my fiancé to say good bye, I swipe my finger across the face of my screen.
“What on earth is that?” Callum must be squinting at his phone in attempts at deciphering what the hell the big streak of booger must look like from his end.
Oh my god that is absolutely disgusting. “Nothing! Bye!” Go off. Go off! I scream at myself inside my head while jabbing the ‘END’ button on the screen.
Finally, the FaceTime call disconnects and I can sort out the snot that’s all over my phone. Jumping up from the sofa I head into the cloakroom for some tissue. I’m so grossed out by my own mucus.
After I’ve managed to clean everything up I glance at my hairdo in the mirror. At least I outwardly look glamorous. Also, I’d better make sure I don’t have any more lurking booger snots on the inner horizons of my nasal cavities. I wouldn’t want any nose digging disasters to occur during the newspaper photoshoot!
I’ve scrambled some things together and just before I head out the door I decide to take the bottle of diet wine with me. Apparently I’m going to be doing the photoshoot with two other women who are the exact size and weight as myself, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind sharing a tipple or two.
Naomi had given me the directions to the newspaper studios. The location is in West Malvern and when I reach my destination I have to park on a steep hillside. Opening my car door I push it open and lean really far forwards in attempts at getting out.
Bloody hell. If I can’t even manage to walk across my carpeted bedroom floor without tripping myself up, what made me think it was a good idea to wear these same wedges in a part of town that’s known for its immensely steep hills?
West Malvern is all hillside. Incredibly steep hillside.
Somehow I get myself out and slam the door shut. I’m holding onto my handbag and leaning against the car. The incline I’m standing on must be a forty per cent grade.
I glance around. There are many buildings perched on the hillside and I have no idea how I’m supposed to find the one we’re meeting at.
“Are you Emily?”
Looking up, I spot a woman with long bushy black hair waving at me from atop a set of concrete steps.
“Yes hello!” I exclaim, carefully teetering my way lopsidedly away from my car. “You must be Naomi?”
“That’s me,” she replies. “Come on up, the portrait studio is just this way.”
Slowly, and ever so carefully, I clomp my way at an ankle breaking angle on this steep hill. The incline is sideways, so I have to steady myself with my left leg with each footfall. I make it across the vast driveway and am relieved when my feet meet the level ground of the stairway platform. Climbing the staircase that wraps around the back of the four storey building, I follow Naomi in through a swinging glass door.
“I’m so glad you could make it.” Naomi smiles at me.
I follow her down winding corridors and up a few sets of stairs. “I’m just honoured that you picked me.” I reply sheepishly. I don’t know what else to say. The closer we get to this portrait studio, the more nervous I feel.
At last, Naomi opens one final door. “Don’t be silly, of course we picked you, you’re gorgeous and I love your hair!”
My goodness but she’s nearly as exuberant as Kirsten.
“Thank you.” I pat my bridal updo with a hand.
“Yeah, if I’d known the paper was going to do a curvy woman feature I would have tried to fatten myself up.”
I now find myself struggling not to let my jaw fall open in astonishment at what the young, skinny Naomi has just said.
“I’ve always wanted bigger tits anyway.” She shoves one of her small boobs with the hand that isn’t holding the door open.
Biting my lip in attempts at not saying anything in response, I make my way into the studio. My eyes take a moment to adjust to the darkness. When my vision clears I spy four new people in the room. I also spy with my squinting eyes, many light filtering umbrellas and cameras on tripods.
“Everyone, this is the voluptuous Emily!” Naomi introduces me to the photographer first. He’s a tall man with trendy beard stubble. He’s also wearing dark sunglasses in this already darkened room. I don’t know how he can see anything at all behind those lenses. I