he was ready, and it would be his decision, not mine.”
“Of course.”
“His family didn’t know about me, or us. They found out when I called them to say that he was dead.”
“Oh, no.”
“I know, and I understand how bad David must’ve felt, too. How hopeless. My friends are angry at him, but I’m not. I know when he would get so low, he would talk about wanting to kill himself. And when he drank, too. I’m sure his family’s not surprised, if they’re being honest with themselves. He was estranged from them, even his brother. He just had Martine, and she didn’t know about me, either. She couldn’t have been surprised that he finally went through with it, after the second relapse. He was so depressed, it’s an awful disease.”
“My mother had it, after my sister died,” Allie heard herself say.
“Then you know.” Ryan looked sympathetic, his eyelashes still wet. “He used to tell me about growing up with his dad, and the pressure, like, his father wanted him to be a major tennis star, and he was obviously homophobic. David said that ever since high school, he couldn’t get things right. Like, he felt like he didn’t deserve to be happy.”
Allie couldn’t speak for a moment, hearing the echo of the way she felt, too. She felt like she didn’t deserve to be happy after what they had done to Kyle. She could never tell Larry why, and she was getting the idea that David could never tell Ryan why, either.
“I’m so sorry I’m going on and on. I mean, you must think I’m crazy, I don’t even know you. But we both love David, so we do know each other, don’t we?”
“Yes, we do.” Allie gave him a hug, though she wasn’t the huggy type. It felt like something had broken free inside her, and tears came to her eyes, which she couldn’t quite explain. “So David had kind of a double life?”
“Girl, it’s not that uncommon in our community.”
“Even now, in Philly?”
“Even in New York. Not everybody’s ready to come out, and I don’t judge. It took me a while, and I had girlfriends.”
“Oh, that’s so sad. What a loss of such a wonderful human being.” Allie hesitated. “I don’t mean to pry, but I assume he didn’t leave a note.”
“No, nothing like that. He didn’t need to.”
“I’m surprised he had a gun.”
“We kept it for protection. Up where the studio is, it’s rural. Not exactly Fire Island, if you follow me. I’ve been the victim of a hate crime, right in town. Two men jumped me. And the house is so far out in the boonies, we weren’t taking any chances.” Tears filled his eyes. “God knows, I’m so sorry I had it now. Between the drinking and the depression, I should have known it was trouble.”
“Don’t blame yourself.”
“I do.”
“I understand completely.” Allie gave him another hug, already thinking about what she had to do next.
CHAPTER 56
Sasha Barrow
Sasha turned into the gravel driveway, impressed by Julian’s farm, which was as nice as anything in the Hamptons. Grassy pastures flanked a long, tree-lined driveway, which ended in a large white clapboard home with black shutters. There were several matching outbuildings, a large chicken coop, and a massive white barn with a copper windvane in the shape of a foxhunter.
Sasha hadn’t thought that Julian would be this successful, and he still wasn’t married. She could have him if she snapped her fingers, and he’d marry her, move her in, and buy her whatever she wanted. But her answer was the same as twenty years ago. There was still something weird about him, something she couldn’t put her finger on. Hard pass.
She drove up the long drive to the house. It would be nice to stay here for a night, and if she was finally going to have sex with Julian, she’d take another Xanax and enjoy herself. Of course, he couldn’t excite her the way Luiz did, but she hadn’t been able to reach him and had left him a message to call back. Given Luiz’s high-flying schedule, she wasn’t optimistic.
Sasha reached the house, and a smiling woman emerged, waving her hand as she walked toward the car. She must have been Julian’s farm manager, wearing a sweaty polo shirt, tan britches, and cloppy Dansko clogs. Sasha wondered if horsewomen owned a mirror, but whatever. She was here to chill, and the Xanax had done the trick.
Sasha pulled over, parked, and grabbed her Birkin full of makeup, cigarettes,