the quick—”
“Dad, really—”
“No, listen to me.” Mark remembered that day like it was happening right in front of him, and he entered his own personal nightmare. His past. “So remember, your mother didn’t come home from the hospital, and you got so upset that she would have electroshock, that you were losing her, that she would die, and you ran up to your room and closed the door. As a father, a man, I felt so ashamed, so ashamed. Me, the one everybody relies on and looks up to. The breadwinner. The dad. I was in pain, Allie. So much pain. I had been, for so long.”
Allie squeezed his hand, but didn’t interrupt.
“So I went out, I left the house, I went to the woods. I hurt so much, and I wanted to make it stop. I knew the gun was there, in the woods off Connemara Road. It wasn’t my gun, it was your mother’s. She bought it, and I buried it there.”
“What?” Allie’s mouth dropped open, in utter shock.
“Your mother bought it one day, after Jill died. She bought it in a gun store, with bullets, too, and I found the bag and realized she was really thinking about killing herself. She would say so from time to time, but I thought she was being dramatic. But when she bought the gun, it scared me, really scared me, and I thought, I have to get rid of this gun. But I didn’t know what to do with it. I couldn’t throw it away, but I didn’t want it in the house anymore, or the car, or anywhere Mom could get it.”
Allie gasped, her eyes widening. “You mean the gun that Julian found was yours? Mom’s?”
“Yes. So I wrapped it in an old newspaper and buried it in the woods by the bent tree. I scratched off the registration number so nobody could trace it back to her. I buried it without the bullets so nobody would hurt themselves if they dug it up. I even checked on it sometimes, at night, to make sure no one took it. I thought I was being so responsible, but I was wrong about that, too. Mom got mad that I took it, but I thought I was saving her life.”
Mark felt a wave of shame. He’d kept the secret for twenty years, just like Allie had. She was her father’s daughter, in the end. Her hands flew to her face, and she began to cry, but Mark couldn’t stop now.
“So I went out there on Sunday, and I dug up the gun, unwrapped it, and I loaded it with a bullet. I put it to my head.” Mark’s throat thickened with emotion, but he stayed in control. Back then, that day, he’d been crying on his knees, holding the gun to his temple. “But the thought of you stopped me, Allie. You saved my life. I told you I was your life preserver, but you were mine.”
Tears ran freely down Allie’s cheeks, and Mark touched Allie’s good arm to comfort her.
“I couldn’t leave you alone, all by yourself. Not with your mother so sick in the hospital. Not with Jill gone. I couldn’t imagine what would happen to you. I couldn’t imagine that you would survive that. I knew I had to stay alive, for you.”
Mark squeezed Allie’s arm, to steady her. He had to finish the story. Then he realized his daughter already knew the ending. She had lived the ending, not him.
“The next night I heard that a young boy, Kyle Gallagher, had committed suicide. It was in the same spot where I buried the gun. I realized what must have happened. He must have used our gun to kill himself, and I must’ve left the bullet inside it.” Mark wiped tears from his eyes, still guilt-ridden over the boy’s death. “Allie, I felt terrible, but I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t go to the police or even to his mother, like you did today. I told myself I didn’t tell because I didn’t want to go to prison, and you would be alone. But the truth was, I felt so terribly ashamed. I didn’t have the guts you had today. I’m not as brave as you, honey.”
Allie doubled over, dissolving into tears. Sobs wracked her body, and Mark felt his heart break. He put his arms around her and held her close.
“Allie, I’m so sorry, I’m so very sorry. I wish I had said something, and if I