you all of themselves. It almost makes me sick to my stomach since I’m not giving him all of me. I still don’t know how to tell him that part of my past.
“Whatever you’re thinkin’ about just leave it be. I can see that look in your eyes. We’re havin’ a good time yeah?”
Shit. He caught me. I look up at him, smile, nod my head, and reply, “The best time ever.”
“The best huh? Fuck I need to up my game then babe. I thought the best time was when I was fuckin’ you into the bed?” I can feel my cheeks flush. I can feel heat rushing through my entire body. He fucking chuckles.
“That’s better,” he nods toward me.
We finish eating in silence before we take a walk along the water. It’s beautiful here.
“When I was growing up I wasn’t really wanted.” I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know if I can handle telling him more of my past. When he gives my hand a reassuring squeeze I find myself continuing. “I think my dad always wanted boys, but he ended up with girls,” I giggle softly.
“You have sisters?” Monster asks while looking down at me.
“Just one. She’s two years younger than me. I wasn’t supposed to happen. Or so I was told. Mom died when we were young. I don’t really remember her. My dad raised us. Well, I guess I should say his men raised us. My dad never really wanted much to do with me. Annie was the better daughter. I saw the way she was treated, but she also followed his rules.”
“So you’re the rebel huh?”
“Yeah. I didn’t like the rules. I didn’t like that the guys were off doing things and getting their hands dirty while Annie and I were to stay in the house and be good little girls. I hated it. So, I’d sneak out and follow the guys around. It was dangerous but thrilling at the same time. I saw them kill someone when I was eleven. It was almost, magical.”
“What the hell does your dad do?”
“Guns, drugs, people, you name it and he’s probably in it.”
“That around here?”
“No. Louisiana.”
Monster nods.
“So you enjoyed it? Seein’ someone die?”
“I don’t know if it was seeing them die or seeing the power the guys had doing it.”
“I get that,” he nods.
“Anyway. Dad knew I snuck out. He didn’t know at first what I was doing though. He found out later on. He didn’t say a whole lot, but once I turned sixteen he started using me as bait. I was pretty and the guys always fell for it, I could lure them in and take them out. It was easy until I met Ryan, he didn’t like me doing that stuff. He wanted to keep me at the house while the guys handled the business.”
“Did your dad know about you and Ryan?”
“No. It was our secret. No one needed to know anything. I thought Ryan liked the rebellious girl that I was. I was so different from Annie. She never once looked at the guys or even spoke to them. Ryan and me, well, it was just crazy. It was like the high of my life. My stepmom hated me almost more than my dad did. My dad didn’t like it when I stopped doing jobs for him. I guess after a while I just wanted Ryan. I just wanted to be happy. You know?”
Monster stopped walking and pulled me closer to him. His hands run up and down my back.
“Whatever your dad couldn’t see in you that’s on him. He made you different Kyza. He should have never allowed you into that world so freely. You aren’t a fuckin’ asset,” he says through clenched teeth.
“I was and he knew that after a while. At first I was okay with it because he actually looked at me like I was something. I was someone useful. I wasn’t just a memory of an old love that he no longer had.” That was exactly what I was to him and I know it. Annie may look like me to a point, but I look exactly like my mom had. I know he hated that part of me.
“So you ran?”
I nod.
“I killed Ryan. I felt the betrayal at the same time I felt the loss. It hurt like hell to lose something I loved, but I knew my dad was going to kill him.”
“Why run then?”
“They thought I was helping Ryan. My dad truly believed