my old self. I haven’t wanted to be her again for years. I didn’t want the memories that come with her. I didn’t want to look in the mirror and see her anymore.”
“Is that what the hair and all that makeup were about?”
“I wanted to be someone else, anyone else. Being me became too hard. When I ran I just wanted to let the past stay in the past. I didn’t want to look in the mirror and see the killer that I had become. Do you know what the worst part of all of it is?”
He shakes his head, fingers running through my hair. He’s soothing me.
“What’s the worst part?”
“I liked it.” I confess softly, completely ashamed that I liked how good it felt to take a life.
“Killin’?”
“No. Not that I was a killer. I liked that I had the power to do it though. I liked that I could take a life that took so much from me. I…”
“Killin’ isn’t just for joy. I mean for some people it is, but for most people it’s out of necessity. It’s just a way of life. I’m sure you’ve had your share of reasons.”
“The first time yes.”
His eyes jerk to mine and his lips part. A soft smile curves the corners of his mouth. I want nothing more than to kiss him, but I don’t. This is a pivotal moment for us.
“There was more than one?” He asks as I nod my head. “The guy in the photo?”
“He was my boyfriend. I thought he loved me. In a way I guess he really did, but he always did as he was told. He was one of my father’s men. He knew his place and he followed the rules, but in one fucking night it all changed.”
A shiver races down my spine and Monster pulls me closer to him.
“You don’t have to tell me,” Monster whispers.
“I want to tell you. I want you to trust me.”
“I do trust you Kyza.”
“Fully, Monster. I want you to trust me fully.”
I take another deep breath and start again.
“The picture you asked me about was him. Ryan. We were together for a few years. He was amazing to me. He did anything he could for me, but he was a traitor. He was working with the FBI to help them make a case against my dad. I overheard my dad telling some of his other guys about it. They were going to kill him. I knew that if my dad went down that I’d go down with him. I was in deep enough with him to know that. One of the other guys, Chase, had a crush on me. I sweet talked him and got all of the information out of him that I could. I knew he was the one that was going to kill Ryan. I asked Chase to give me a little time with Ryan. I was a mess. My head was fucked up, but he agreed.”
“Jesus Christ,” Monster mumbles.
“I went to see Ryan. I hugged him, kissed him, and pulled the gun on him. He didn’t know what to say, just stood there as tears spilled down my cheeks. I remember the look in his eyes. I saw the sorrow. It tore at my heart, but then I saw the betrayal. He knew. He knew what he’d done and he knew I would go down with him. I didn’t get it. I thought we were a good team, but it was a lie. I’d lived that lie for too long. It killed me.”
I shake my head. I don’t want to look up at him, and I don’t have to. He grabs my face and presses his lips to mine. His tongue dances in my mouth and my body ignites. This man pulls every emotion that I have out of me and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
Chapter 17
Monster
I watch her in her cutoff shorts and tank top as she’s wading her feet through the water. Her long blonde hair blows in the wind. I can’t take my eyes off her. She gave up a lot of her past last night, but I know there’s more. There’s always more.
I saw the look in her eyes. The sadness, the hurt. It was all clearly visible, but there is more she was holding back. I said I wouldn’t push her, and I won’t. I want her to freely give me what she can handle.
The more I get to know her the more