found Tom. We’re gonna be movin’ in on him soon. You know what that means?” he asks as if I give a shit. I don’t. Not anymore. Roland made his choices.
“Yeah, it means that I never have to look at his fucking face again. It means that everyone I loved will be gone. It means I’m alone. I’m all alone Fin.” The first part came out strong, but the rest came out in a mess of tears. Fin pulls me to him as I cry. “I’m so fucking alone.”
“You’re not. You need to talk to him. Tell him how much you need him Molly. Make him rethink this shit,” he urges.
I pull away and wipe my face. “I’ve tried Fin. Don’t you think I’ve tried? He doesn’t want me anymore.”
“That’s not true.”
Roland’s voice sounds from behind me. I look over my shoulder and see him standing there in his black jeans and a hoodie. No doubt he’s ready to go down for his cause.
“Oh, it’s true all right. I know it is. Otherwise I wouldn’t have those divorce papers sitting on the counter.” Roland walks around the couch, but he doesn’t sit.
“Give us a minute Fin.”
Fin squeezes my shoulder before he climbs to his feet and walks away. Traitor. I thought he was my friend.
“I love you Molly. You know that. I loved him too. I loved him more than I can say, but this is what has to be done to make sure everyone I have left is safe. I need you to understand that. I couldn’t face myself every goddamn day if somethin’ happened to you too.”
“You didn’t make him sick Roland,” the tears start falling again.
“I know that, but I still felt helpless Mols. I couldn’t do a fuckin’ thing to save him. Nothin’. Do you know how that makes me feel? I feel worthless as a dad. I fucked up. I won’t do that with you. You can hate me until the day you die, you can curse me and call me names. I don’t care Molly. I just need to know that you’re safe. I need that closure. Can’t you understand that?”
Roland turns on his heel and heads toward the door. If this is the last time that I will get to see him then I needed to tell him that I loved him, didn’t I? I need him to know that much. I shove off of the couch and stumble and sway as the liquor filters through my veins.
“Roland,” I call out to him. He stops walking and turns to face me. “You were a great father. He loved you more than you know. I love you more than you know. I understand it to a point, I just need you to know that I’ve never stopped loving you. My heart will never be the same.”
Letting that out was harder than I thought it would be. Roland smirks as he walks over to me and wraps his arms around me. He kisses me roughly and slides his tongue into my mouth. After a few minutes he slows the kiss before he pulls back and rests his forehead against mine.
“Your heart doesn’t belong to me anymore Mols. As much as I wish it did, it doesn’t. I’m sorry that this is hurtin’ you. I’m sorry that I never found the two of you. God, you have no idea how sorry I am for that. I love you baby. I’ve loved you since the first time I ever saw you. Remember me always Mols.”
One more soft kiss and then Roland turns on his heel and walks away from me. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to feel right now. I don’t know which way to turn and what the fuck to do. Fin steps in next to me and his arm goes around my shoulder.
“He can still change his mind, ya know? Have some faith, yeah?”
He kisses the top of my head and walks out the same door Roland just did. I’m torn. I want to run after Roland. I want to beg him to stay with me, but that would be selfish. That would be me asking him to do something he didn’t want to, and I know in my heart that he thinks what he’s doing is the right thing.
“Come on sweetheart,” Taz pulls me into her side as the rest of the world becomes a blur.
My head isn’t in the right place anymore. It hasn’t’ been for two weeks and now the pain