close to him he reaches out and pulls me into his lap. He runs his fingers through my hair.
“Is that bad?”
“Hell no. It’s you. I liked you before, but this is who you are Kyza. I want to see that part of you,” he says honestly.
“Why? What if you hate me when you see who I truly am?”
“I could never hate you baby. There’s somethin’ between us and you know it. You have to be able to feel this as much as I can.”
He’s right. I can feel it. It doesn’t change anything though.
“Things happened to me. They changed me. I did things I shouldn’t have. There are so many secrets that no one knows,” I admit.
It feels good to at least admit that much, that I’m hiding things, it’s lifted a huge weight off my chest.
“I know. I want you to tell me, but I’m not forcin’ you to say shit. I’m not that kind of person. I think you know that. We all have secrets. When you’re ready you’ll tell me. I’m not goin’ anywhere Kyza,” he whispers the last part as he presses his face into the top of my hair and inhales.
“Will you tell me a secret?”
He sighs and his warm breath is blowing my hair slightly. I snuggle into his embrace and feel his naked warmth pressing against me.
“I lived in California my whole life. I met the club there. It was a different chapter. They took me in when I was at a very low point in my life. I hated pretty much everything, but mostly I hated people. They didn’t look at me any differently though. They just opened their arms and embraced me,” he says blowing out a breath before he continues. “I met a girl. She was sweet. Nothin’ like the other girls. I thought she was really into me. We fucked. We hung out. She became somethin’ I wanted in my life, but it was all fake. She was just another lie. She was just another mess I had to clean up.”
“What happened?” I ask holding my breath.
“She lied to me. She cheated on me and was sellin’ me and my boys out to a rival club. She was runnin’ intel for them. I hated myself for trustin’ her. I hated her for what she did, but the club was in a good place. The guys had their old ladies and shit was finally goin’ right. You know?”
He shakes his head as I turn mine to look up at him.
“What happened to her?”
I can see it before he even admits it. His eyes darken and the look on his face morphs to one of pain. He doesn’t want to tell me, but he’s going to. I know that look. I’ve seen it.
“I knew I had to protect the club. They never liked her. They never thought she should have been there, but out of respect for me, they let it slide.”
“You did it. Didn’t you?”
He nods his head slowly.
“Yeah. I killed her. I buried her where no one would find her. I cleaned up my fuckin’ mess. I couldn’t leave it to my club to take care of her. I was the one that brought that bitch in there, so I was the one that needed to handle it.”
“Is that why you moved to Florida?”
“That’s part of it. I just needed to be able to breathe again. I couldn’t breathe there anymore. There was a weight sittin’ in the middle of my chest every fuckin’ time I looked at the guys. I hated it. I knew I needed to get out of there before I did somethin’ I’d regret.”
“You thought about hurting yourself?”
I don’t need to ask. I can see it in his eyes. I know that look very well. I’ve been there myself.
“More than once I found myself sittin’ on the edge of the bed with a gun in my hands. I remember sittin’ there just lookin’ at it, thinkin’ how much better they’d be without me around. How much trouble that bitch could have caused us if I hadn’t handled her when I did. I just thought it would be a better world without me in it anymore.”
There’s pain in his eyes. I hate to see it, but I understand it. I’ve felt the same thing and I know how hard it is. I shift in his lap and lift my hand up to his cheek.
“It wouldn’t be though. You found me. You make me want to be