just…wasn’t sure how to do it without throwing up. Or having a breakdown, which my brother and his wife definitely did not need to see.
Trying to be subtle about taking some deep breaths, I leaned over my hands on the railing and stared out into the night while Troy eased himself into one of the Adirondack chairs.
“Hey.” Troy adjusted his icepack as he watched me. “You’re jumpier than usual tonight. What’s going on?”
So much for being subtle.
“I, um…” I swallowed. Was I really doing this tonight? I was doing this tonight. I’d been psyching myself up for it for days. Enough that my concentration hadn’t been so hot on the ice earlier. If I didn’t get it off my chest now, the panic over it was just going to get worse, so I might as well—
“Jase.” Troy sat up. “Dude. Breathe. What’s going on?”
I closed my eyes and took some breaths to calm myself down. Did I really want to feel like this for days, weeks, months before I saw my brother again?
And damn it, I needed to tell him before I could even think about telling our parents, so this had to happen sooner than later if I ever wanted to sleep again. Especially now that people with cameras were sniffing around, trying to figure out what my relationship was with Devin.
“Listen, um…” I swallowed, then pushed myself off the railing and turned to face him. “I wanted to tell you first. And then… Then I’m going to talk to Mom and Dad.” That thought sent fresh panic through me, and I fought back a shudder. “I don’t know when, but…” I waved a hand. “I guess it doesn’t matter. Bottom line is I’m still working up the nerve to tell them, but I wanted you to know I have a boyfriend.”
The words seemed to echo for miles through the quiet night.
I have a boyfriend.
I’d said it. It was out. I was out. Somehow I hadn’t hurled over the railing yet, but there was still time for that.
I chanced a look at Troy. His eyes had widened and he’d sat up a little straighter, but so far he wasn’t getting disgusted or angry. Surprised, but that was it. So far.
“So you’re…” He blinked. “You’re gay?”
I nodded. “Yeah.” I laughed dryly, avoiding my brother’s eyes. “Just, uh, little slow on the uptake, I guess.”
“You’re twenty-nine, and you just figured out you’re gay.”
Face burning and stomach roiling, I couldn’t look at him, and I was afraid to speak, so I just nodded again.
Troy exhaled. “Holy shit, dude. I can’t imagine not knowing who I was for that long. That must have been miserable.”
This time, I did look at him, and to my surprise, his face was full of sympathy and secondhand hurt. “What?”
“Dude.” He shook his head. “I always knew something wasn’t quite right with you and the women you dated. And you must’ve known it too. Plus there was all the shit Lila said. I just…” He whistled. “That must have been confusing as fuck for you.”
Relief made me sway a little on my feet, and I casually put a sweaty hand on the railing to steady myself. “Yeah. It was. I think I… I mean, I didn’t know. But yeah, I knew something was different. I never clicked with girlfriends the way other guys seemed to, and I…” I sighed, rolling my shoulders as years of weight rolled off them. “It just took until I met Devin before I figured out exactly what was missing.”
“Wow. All these years…” He trailed off, then looked up at me. “I can’t even imagine what kind of relief that is.”
“It’s been a huge relief.” I swallowed, then sat on the edge of the other Adirondack chair. “But it’s also been stressing me the hell out.”
“Because you have to come out?”
I nodded. “My team doesn’t know, and I have no idea how they’ll take it. And then there’s Mom and Dad.”
Troy grimaced, breaking eye contact. “Yeah. That one’s gonna be fun.”
My chest tightened. “You don’t think they’ll be happy?”
“That’s the thing—I don’t know. I literally have no idea what Mom and Dad think about gay people.”
So it’s not just me.
Heart thumping, I managed to ask, “What do you think I should do?”
“I don’t know, man. I mean, sooner or later, you’re gonna have to tell them. And even if they flip out about it, it’ll probably still be a load off because you won’t be wondering anymore. The unknown is sometimes a hell of