your other homework.”
She nodded, and without another word, she headed for her bedroom. As I watched her go, my heart sank even deeper and my chest hurt even more.
I would never in a million years tell her the real reason Jase and I had broken up. I would never tell her that the man we both loved had left because he couldn’t cope with the nightmare she couldn’t escape. I would take that to my grave because I refused to break my daughter’s heart for Jase.
But right now, it was getting to be a hell of a lot easier to hate him.
Chapter 35
Jase
Doc Williams cleared me to play after two games. The day after my first game back on the ice, I had a Skype session with a therapist who specialized in anxiety. I’d been dubious of her insistence that our first session should be two hours, but in the end, it had barely been enough time. I was exhausted and slept hard afterward.
Before we’d ended the call, she’d told me that in addition to figuring out a pharmaceutical treatment, she had some goals for me over the next few weeks and months. Some things she wanted me to overcome.
But as it happened, I was playing in my own hometown two nights later, and I decided I didn’t want to wait any longer to hit one of those goals. Especially since we’d both agreed that a shitload of my anxiety was directly related to something I’d left unresolved for far too long.
So, after the game, I rented a car and started driving.
I’d been nervous coming home a few times in my life. Like the time the principal had called my mom to tell her I’d been in a fight with this asshole kid in fourth grade. Or a few occasions where the report card in my backpack meant I was in for a stern lecture. Shit like that always felt like the end of the world for a kid. On some rational level, I’d probably known my parents would forgive me, my life wasn’t really over, and I wouldn’t actually be grounded until I was dead, but it sure felt like it in the moment.
I had a much more intense version of that same feeling now as I followed the familiar barely-marked two-lane road home, except it seemed…bigger this time. Like something that could legitimately create a rift between me and my parents the way a schoolyard fight or a D in math never would have. It didn’t help that my brother didn’t know how they’d react either. He’d always been the level-headed one who had a better handle on how things would play out, but even he couldn’t get a bead on them this time.
Troy had offered to come with me for this. I’d thought about taking him up on it, because God knew I needed the support, especially while I was figuring out my anxiety and because holy shit, I was still a mess after splitting with Devin a week and a half ago. But if I wanted Troy here with me, then I’d have to wait until the season was over and we could both come visit at the same time. This couldn’t wait. Not another day. And anyway, he was close to our parents. I didn’t want to put him in a position where he had to choose sides. If this went badly, I just hoped it didn’t cost me my relationship with him.
I’ve already lost someone important to me recently, and it’s fucking killing me. I can’t lose my family too.
That made me reconsider this for the thousandth time. Tapping sweaty fingers on the rental car’s wheel, I wondered if I was just setting myself up for more heartache. Did I have to do this? Did I have to do it now?
Yes. Yes, because I needed to know, damn it. I was tired of worrying about how they would take it and what they’d say about it. The unknown was driving me insane, and even though my therapist wanted me to wait until she’d treated me a bit longer, I could feel it in my bones that nothing was going to help while this was still hanging over my head. I’d never be able to get my own head together. I’d never be able to find the words or the courage or the fucking breath to tell Devin I was wrong and I was sorry.
Before any of that happened, I needed to do this. I