waited by the gate, and sat on the team’s charter jet waiting to take off, the texting with Devin was nonstop. Any time I didn’t need to focus on something else or switch to airplane mode, my nose was buried in my phone and we were messaging back and forth.
As the plane taxied, I had to switch to airplane mode, so we ended the conversation for the time being. All the way to…to…well, whatever the hell city it was, my brain was on him and him alone. I’d pull my focus back to hockey when I needed to, but right now, I was enjoying this distraction.
Once I’d landed, we started up again until he had to take off and pick up Dallas from school. Then again until I had to suit up for warm-ups.
And fuck me, but every time one of our conversations hit a lull or came to an end while one of us was unreachable, my mind started in on its usual bullshit. Questions pelted my brain without letting up: What were we doing? What did he expect from me? What did I have any right to expect from him? What happened once we were in the same place and the same bed, and the pressure was on to go through the motions with a guy who’d been with other guys before and knew what good sex and bad sex really were? And how would he respond when he saw my dick? My ex hadn’t been impressed with what I was packing, and I didn’t come close to stacking up to the guys I’d watched in porn, and—
“Kelly?” Maddox’s voice startled me, and my phone tumbled out of my hand and clattered on the locker room floor.
“Hey. Uh.” I reached down to grab it. “Sorry. I didn’t even hear you come in.” I fumbled with the phone but managed to get a grip on it, and I sat up, rolling my shoulders and wondering when they’d started getting so stiff. How the fuck long had I been sitting here getting spun up by my own brain? And what was I supposed to be doing? Good God, what the hell was wrong with—
“Jase.” Maddox put a firm hand on my shoulder. “Look at me, dude.”
I swallowed, then met my teammate’s eyes.
His brow was pinched with concern. “You with me?”
I nodded and reached up to rub my neck. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m…” I laughed halfheartedly and shook my head. “Just working myself up over things.”
The concern stayed in place. “Anything you, uh…” He arched an eyebrow in an unspoken I want to help but still seem manly way, which was him asking if I needed to talk about anything.
I shook my head. “I’m good. Just worrying more than I needed to.” Then I leaned forward and kneaded the back of my neck with both hands. I had a hockey game tonight. If I let myself spiral into a breakdown, I’d be exhausted before I even put on my gear.
So how long is this going to go on, and is there any chance it’ll get better before I find some way to screw up with Devin?
“Hey, man.” Maddox sat down beside me and put a firm hand on my shoulder. “You gonna be good to play tonight? We’ve still got time if there’s something you need to get out.”
Sitting up slowly, I took a deep breath. “I’ll be fine. Just, um, just started dating somebody. Kind of. And I’m…” I gestured at my head, then made a what can you do? gesture.
“Ooh. Gotcha.” He grinned, but there was still concern in his eyes. “Is, um, everything good there?”
“So far, yeah. But it’s new. And you know me with new shit.”
He laughed softly. “Yeah. I do.”
Something about his calm acceptance actually calmed me down. He knew how I was, and sometimes all I needed was exactly what he was doing—just sitting here and not freaking out over whatever it was that had me going out of my head. He never tried to tell me it was no big deal and that I was overreacting—that was the quickest way to send me into a hardcore spiral. Instead, he just calmly hung out, and if I needed him to, he’d talk me through it.
Thank God I had a few teammates who could tell even before I could that I was on that downward spiral. I’d bought Maddox and Kuznetsov each a lot of beers after they’d eased me out of my own head, and I’d