was gay, or I started thinking about a guy, it was like I’d just shut down. I didn’t know if I’d let my ex get under my skin, or if this really was who I am.”
“Holy shit,” I breathed. “That sounds confusing as hell.”
“It was,” he said quietly. “So I’ve been wondering all this time if I was gay or if it was just my ex’s mind games.” He looked at me. “Now I know.”
My heart skipped, but I tried not to let it show. “Better late than never, right?”
“Yeah, at least I finally figured it out.” He sighed, rolling his shoulders. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to turn this into a bitch session about my ex.”
“No, it’s fine. Especially since she’s part of the reason you’ve been confused for so long.” I paused. “Honestly, as long as we can’t be in the same room, we might as well use the time to talk some of this through. Then when we see each other, it’ll already be out on the table, and we can focus on the more fun stuff.”
Jase looked at me, and his faint smile returned. “I like that idea. I mean, I’ll be nervous as fuck when we get to that, but…”
“But you’ll know it’s what you want, right?”
He nodded slowly, and swept his tongue across his full lips. “The thing is, I’ve known for a long time I was attracted to guys. But I never touched one. Not like that. I was attracted to women too—well, sort of—but once I was actually in bed with a girlfriend, I was just…”
“Not into it?”
“Exactly. So I’ve always wondered if it would be that way with men too.”
I considered that for a moment. “When you say you were sort of attracted to women, what does that mean?”
“It’s…” Jase’s eyes lost focus as he gnawed his lip. “Like, I know what an attractive woman looks like, you know?”
“Like, what other guys thought was attractive?”
He pursed his lips, then nodded. “I guess, yeah? It’s hard to explain.”
I thought about it. “Well, I’m not attracted to every conventionally hot man or women who comes along. I know objectively that they’re what people think is attractive, but they don’t do it for me. Then I might meet someone who’s not going to make the cover of Vogue or Men’s Fitness, but leaves me absolutely drooling.” I studied him. “Do, um… Do you ever feel that way about women?”
He was quiet for a long moment. Finally, he shook his head. “No. No, now that you mention it, I think women are beautiful, but no woman—not even the ones I’ve dated—has ever made my head spin the way, um…” He looked at me. “Not the way some men do.”
My heart went wild, and I swallowed. “So maybe you’re not into women, then.”
“It’s starting to feel that way.” He laughed humorlessly. “Talk about being confused about myself. I never let myself think I was attracted to men because I didn’t want to be gay, and I just assumed I was attracted to women because all the other guys were.” He threw up a hand. “Sounds totally normal, doesn’t it?”
“In a culture where guys—especially athletes—aren’t supposed to be queer?” I shrugged. “Sounds pretty damn normal to me.”
“It does?”
“Totally.”
“What about you? Are you gay? Bi?
“Bi,” I said, “but I’d say I lean more toward men.”
“Really?”
“Mmhmm. I dated a guy once who said he’s 80/20 bisexual—eighty percent of the people he’s attracted to are men. For me, it’s probably closer to 60/40. Maybe 70/30. Can’t give you any kind of rational explanation for it. If I’m in a room full of people, odds are I’ll gravitate toward a guy.”
“Huh.” He furrowed his brow and his eyes lost focus for a moment before he shook his head. “I don’t think that’s me. I think I’m definitely gay.”
I smiled. “Well, fortunately you don’t have to get it tattooed on. If a woman turns your head, you won’t lose your membership or anything.”
Jase laughed, which made my skin tingle. “I, um, don’t think anyone else is going to be turning my head any time soon. You’ve got my full attention.”
Oh, dear God.
Unaware of me getting ridiculous over him again, he said, “It’s just so weird to get this far in life, and not even know who I am. I even wondered sometimes if I was asexual.”
“Why’s that?”
He shrugged. “Sex just wasn’t that big a deal to me. I’d do it if a girlfriend wanted to, but I didn’t usually initiate