I’m losing it because I need to make a decision, and I don’t have the first clue how to be a stepdad, or—”
“Jase.” He gave my arm a gentle squeeze and looked right in my eyes. “Okay, first, don’t get ahead of yourself.”
I held his gaze, not sure what to make of the comment.
Devin smiled. “For one thing, no one’s expecting you to step up and be the only father figure in Dallas’s life. She has me, she has Nick, and if things work out with us, she’ll have you. Between the three of us, I’d say she already drew a pretty damned good hand.”
My heart was still thumping, but it slowed down just a little. “Really?”
He nodded. “Yes. And it isn’t like I’m an expert at this either.”
“Except you’ve been doing it for twelve years.”
“Uh-huh. And you’ve never seen fear like the day someone handed me a brand new baby, told me it was my responsibility to take care of her, and wished me the best of luck. If someone handed me a newborn today, I’d still be intimidated as hell, but the only reason I’d be less scared than I was last time is I’ve done it before. But I’ve never been a dad to a thirteen year-old. Or a fourteen year-old.”
“Oh.” My shoulders started to relax. “I hadn’t thought of it that way.”
“I didn’t either until I started doing this. Trust me—I’ve been learning as I go. So have Nick and Haley, and so will you. And honestly? It means a lot that you’re this concerned about being good to Dallas. I thought you left because you couldn’t handle everything that comes along with her medical issues, and…” He sighed, shoulders dropping along with his gaze. “I think this is my fault.”
“What do you mean?”
Devin rubbed his neck, still not looking at me. “I came on too strong. Haley has been after me for years, telling me I need to slow my roll when I tell partners—God. Jase.” He finally met my eyes. “I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have given you an ultimatum, or even implied I was giving you one. I’ve been stewing over this and thinking you left like everyone else, but…” He swallowed hard. “I mean, I basically shoved you out the door. I’m sorry. I was… I didn’t mean to do that. I was just scared.”
“You were?”
Devin nodded. “I’ve dated a lot of people who couldn’t handle the medical merry-go-round and the stress.” He looked in my eyes and smiled. “But then it turns out you were just afraid you wouldn’t be enough for her. After dating so many people who thought she and I were too much…” He paused to swipe at his eyes. “Honestly, it tells me Haley’s been right all along that I’ve pushed people too hard to make a decision. And it’s… It tells me you’re exactly the kind of man I want in my life and in my daughter’s.”
I stared at him, not sure I’d heard him right. “But I still don’t know what to do. For you. For Dallas.”
“Yeah, you do.” He squeezed my hand. “You’ve been amazing with me. With Dallas… I mean, Nick figured out his own relationship with her. She already had a mom and a dad, and he just sort of found his own niche with her. What you and Dallas already have is…” Devin shook his head. “I wouldn’t change a thing about it.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously. You’re her friend. She adores you. Everyone always says not to meet your heroes because you’ll be disappointed, but Dallas is an even bigger fan of yours now that she knows you.” He smiled. “No, there isn’t a damn thing I could change about how things are between you and her. I don’t want you to be her dad or her stepdad or whatever. I just want you to be…you.” He squeezed my hand. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you for me too. Just you.”
“That’s… That’s good.” I managed a nervous laugh. “Because that’s all I’ve got.”
Devin’s smile made my heart go wild. “It’s more than you think. And seriously—I’m sorry. God, I should’ve known you had anxiety, and I… Just. I’m sorry.”
“I know. But, um, going forward…” I took a deep breath. “I mean, I can figure things out with Dallas, but I also don’t know how to be a boyfriend. My last few relationships were disasters, and—”
“And your ex-girlfriend was manipulative and abusive.” The venom in the comment startled me. Voice softening, Devin said,