is such a private moment.
I should move away. I should.
But God, my knees are glued to the floor and my nails have dug their way into the wood, and there’s no way I can free them.
There’s no way I can move and take my poisoned, encroaching presence away.
“How’s Ben doing?” Arrow asks. “He know you’re talking to me about getting back together?”
It’s Sarah’s turn to stiffen now.
Again, I can’t see very clearly but I can feel it all. I can feel the tightness in her frame.
“Ben has nothing to do with this,” she says in a low voice.
Arrow chuckles again. This time it’s lacking in any humor though. “I beg to differ.”
“A –”
“Because it didn’t look like that when you were fucking him. Or maybe I’m wrong.”
At this, I feel a pinch, a sting in my fingers. A sting that becomes a throb and takes over my whole hand.
Somehow that sting travels to my chest too, making a home there, squeezing my heart tightly. So tightly and painfully that I can’t be sure if I’m hearing things or if this is real.
If he said what he said.
A second later, Arrow moves away from the wall and stands up straight. Not only that, he grabs Sarah’s arm and gives it a jerk that I feel on my own body.
Bending closer to her, he growls, “Answer me, Sarah. Am I wrong?”
My sister is trying to free herself. “A, please. You’re scaring me, okay? Stop acting like this. Stop being so –”
“What, angry?” He shakes her again. “The therapist you found me says the same thing. She asks me ‘why are you so angry, Arrow? Describe in your own words what happened to make you so angry.’” He laughs without humor. “Maybe I should tell her. Maybe I should tell her the truth. That one day I accidentally saw my girlfriend’s phone. I accidentally read a message that said I miss you. I miss your tight little body. Can we meet at the same place? When I asked her about it, she lied. She said it was a one-time thing, but as it turns out, it wasn’t. Because later that night I got into her phone again. She hadn’t changed her password that she’d had since college days so it was pretty fucking easy. Maybe she’s dumb or maybe she thought I wouldn’t ever think of checking her phone, I don’t know, but after an hour’s worth of reading, I found out that my girlfriend, who I was planning on proposing to, had been having an affair. She’d been fucking my assistant coach for months. So I’m angry, Dr. Lola Bernstein, because the girl I loved lied to me, not once, not twice, not three times but for months. For months, she was sleeping with my best friend and not once did she think to tell me about it. Yeah, maybe I’ll tell her that next time. Maybe we should tell my mother too. At least then she’ll stop making these pathetic attempts to get us back together.”
Sarah is crying now; I can hear her quiet sobs.
I don’t have that luxury though. I can’t cry.
My sobs have never been quiet. My sobs are howls. They’re loud. They have the power to break eardrums and windowpanes.
So I’m biting the inside of my cheek to keep my tears from falling.
I’m biting it until I feel the blood pooling on my tongue, all metallic and warm.
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I made a mistake. I’m sorry I never told you. I thought I was protecting you from it. I thought I was doing it for your own good. I didn’t want anything to affect your game, your focus. And I was going to stop, anyway.”
“But I caught you first, didn’t I?”
Sarah winces. “I love you, A. I was just trying to spare you the pain. I was trying to protect the life that we’d built. I was trying to protect your heart. I…”
“You were trying to protect my heart,” Arrow says in a low, rough voice.
“Yes. Yes, I was. Please.”
He stares at her for a few seconds before letting her go and stepping away. “I want you gone, understand? Make an excuse and leave before this night ends. And don’t come back here for me.”
He’s ready to walk. He even takes a couple of steps away from her. But he stops just when he’s about to pass her by.
“You said you were trying to protect my heart. But you killed it instead.”
And then he walks