to swallow again. “I knew I was taking a risk sneaking out. Especially after what happened with Elanor that night and…”
I trail off because suddenly I realize something.
Something that I ignored before in my grief.
The night it snowed and I came back, crying, I stumbled on my soccer shoe.
I know I chalked it up to me being untidy but I specifically remember stowing them under the bed, so when I ask my next question, I already know the answer to it.
“Was it her? Did she tell the warden?”
Callie nods. “Yeah. Just as soon as you left.”
“She knew about the letters, didn’t she?”
“She told the warden about them and all hell broke loose. Miller had every box taken up to her office.” Callie squeezes my arm again. “We tried to stop them, I swear, Salem. God, I can’t believe Miller was being so cruel. She’s such a bitch.”
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s fine. She always hated me. I should’ve hidden them but…” I look up at the ceiling again, my eyes stinging with tears. “I just couldn’t, you know? I couldn’t part with them and that was stupid. But then that’s nothing new, really. I’ve always been stupid.”
Stupid and hopeless and doomed.
That’s what I am and I’ve always known that.
Always.
But I never knew that I’d lose my letters because of it. Because of my stupidity.
I thought they’d always be with me. That I’d always have them by my side.
They’re my love story, see. I thought that as long as I had them, I wouldn’t be lonely. That it wouldn’t matter I don’t have the one thing that I want so badly in my life.
It wouldn’t matter that I’m doomed.
But they’re gone now.
They’re gone and God, I’ve never felt lonelier.
“You’re not stupid, Salem,” Callie says, breaking into my thoughts. “You’re in love. You just love him.”
I chuckle hollowly. “Yeah, I do. I love him.”
And he’s gone too, isn’t he?
My Arrow.
The boy I wrote those letters for. He left too. He’s probably on a plane right now, going to the place where he belongs.
Because he was always going to leave.
Because everything we had was temporary and it’s for the best.
That’s what he told me and he was right.
It is for the best.
I’ve always been alone in my love. So why should something change now?
Why should my love that has always been doomed suddenly get a new life? Why should he love me when he can’t love anyone?
I’m not that special.
So I’m glad he’s gone. I’m glad it’s over and I’m glad that I can cry and sob and be all emotional without it being a bother to him.
Yeah, glad.
Glad is what I am.
“What happened with him?” Callie asks, hesitantly.
I shrug. “Nothing. He’s leaving.”
“Are you serious?” When I nod, her eyes flash with anger. “God, boys are so stupid, aren’t they? What is wrong with him? Can’t he see that you love him?”
I chuckle again. And again, it’s hollow and it hurts my chest and my throat and my heart.
It hurts everything.
“He can. That’s why he’s leaving.”
She scoffs, sitting back in her chair. “What a giant douchebag. I fucking hate boys.”
And just like that, her dark circles become prominent.
They aren’t even circles; they’re pits, and her cheekbones are sunken and I realize that my friend needs me too.
Gathering whatever energy I have, I pull myself and sit up. “Callie, will you please tell me what’s going on between you and him?” She stiffens and I grab her hand. “I know about keeping secrets, okay? I know. But please, let me help you. Please tell me what’s going on with you?”
Tears shine in her eyes as she whispers, “Nothing.” She sniffles. “Everything.”
“Talk to me. Tell me, please. Maybe I can help.”
“No one can help me.”
“Callie, come on. What is it?”
She opens her mouth and breathes out. A teardrop streams down her cheek as she whispers, “I think… I think I’m pregnant.”
My fingers tighten around her hand. “What?”
Ducking her head, she nods. “I’m pregnant. I haven’t taken the test b-but I know.”
“Is that why… Is that why you’ve been throwing up?”
Her shoulders slump and when they shake, I get my confirmation.
Gosh, I’ve been such an idiot.
We all have been.
Callie has been throwing up in the mornings, but she’d be okay all day. Isn’t that like, the most obvious sign?
Leaning forward, I push back her soft blonde hair and urge her to look at me. “God, Callie. I’m so sorry. I’m…” My eyes fill up with tears too. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
She whips her eyes up, all