that was the only time Leah was ever mad at Arrow.
She’d caught him smoking one day and she really laid into him. Even Sarah was unhappy and by the end of it, they both made him promise that he wouldn’t do it again.
But then weeks later, I saw smoke emerging from down below, thin gray tendrils of it, and when I went to investigate, I found him smoking.
And I found him again and again.
He doesn’t smoke a lot, maybe once every couple of months or something, but he would always do it under my window in the middle of the night and I’d never tell anyone.
“Well, clearly not everyone. Was asleep, I mean,” he tells me, puffing out another cloud of smoke.
“No. But I kept your secret. I’m the best secret keeper you’ll ever have,” I say proudly.
Oh, he has no idea.
Secrets are my jam.
Well, as long as I don’t open my big mouth again like I did back at the library.
“Secret keeper, huh,” he murmurs with a flicker at his lips.
“Yes.”
“Well, then I’m glad.”
“About what?”
“That you were the one who wasn’t sleeping. And you’re the one who found out about my injury. And you’re the one I’m smoking in front of.”
To emphasize, he pops the cigarette back in his mouth and takes a drag, letting it out slowly, all the while looking at me with an arched look.
I narrow my eyes at him. “And why is that?”
“Why is what?”
“Why would you smoke all those times when you promised you wouldn’t?”
“Because I like it.”
“But you don’t break promises.”
“I broke this one.”
“Why?”
He throws me a flat look like I’m annoying him with my questions but I don’t care. I need to know. And when it looks like he won’t answer, I tell him in a curt voice, “Smoking is bad for your health, you know that, don’t you? Especially when you’re an athlete. It affects your lungs, which affects the way you breathe. Which in turn affects the game. And nothing should ever affect the game. Isn’t that your motto? That’s like the first rule you live by. So I don’t know why –”
“You can stop talking now,” he cuts me off and I bite the inside of my cheek to stop my smile.
Which of course he can tell, because his eyes narrow and a muscle jumps in his cheek. I blink up at him all innocently though. “I will if you tell me.”
He sighs before turning away and looking at the river. “I smoke because it helps me relax. It’s called de-stressing.”
“De-stressing from what?” I ask, looking at his profile.
His shoulders tighten. “From a big game. A big test. Whatever.”
“What?”
“The other option is that I get high or drunk. So this is no big deal, all right? It’s a simple cigarette. Takes the edge off a little.”
Is that really why he smokes?
I try to think of all the times I found him under my window, smoking. Was it always before a test or a game? Because he was stressed about it?
“And why are you smoking now?” I ask.
A breeze comes in and ruffles his hair further and I don’t know if it’s the fact that his hair is messy or if it’s my question, but Arrow seems even more tense, the set of his jaw more strained.
“Because it helps me forget,” he replies after a few moments.
I tighten my hands around the metal railing. “Forget what?”
“The fact that I’m here. Instead of where I should be, winning the fucking cup for my team.”
“But you’ll go back, right? You’ll win the next cup.”
His jaw pulses once. Twice.
“But not this one.” A third pulse ripples through his jaw. “And it’s on me. It’s on my fucking stupidity. All because I broke the first rule of soccer.”
“But you just made a mistake,” I insist like I did back at the library. “One mistake should be allowed, right? You can’t be perfect all the time.”
I mean, I knew he worked hard. He still does.
I also knew that Leah expected him to be the best. She still does. Sometimes I thought that she was being a little too hard on him. But then again, his father was a great soccer player himself and with that, comes a tremendous responsibility.
I never knew this about him though. I never knew that he is so crazy intense about all of this.
“Yeah?” Arrow asks, studying my distressed face.
“Yes,” I say vehemently. “You can’t be. No one can be. You just slipped up a little, okay? And that’s fine. You