out on a limb and say that has something to do with you.”
“He still does that?”
“Do you not watch our performances? What the fuck kind of muse are you?”
I laughed. It felt damn good to laugh.
“You’re like a magical unicorn. I can’t remember the last time I sat with a woman for this long and she wasn’t trying to suck my dick.” He looked around the bus. “Should I be worried? Am I losing my touch?”
I grabbed onto my stomach, it hurt from laughing.
“Oi! You’d suck my dick, right?”
“Oh my God, Beck!”
“No, I don’t want you to suck my dick. We’re friends now. It’d be weird. Plus, there’s Cash. And you guys are soulmates and shit. But my dick is very sensitive. He’s an emotional fucker.”
My hands covered my face, I could feel it burning.
“You’re really fucking cute when you get all shy. I could see why Cash wants to keep you. You’re innocent. We don’t see a lot of that.”
“You’re horrible!” I giggled, peeking through my fingers at him.
“It got you to laugh.”
“Oh! So you did that for my benefit?”
“Love, I know my cock is amazing. It’s a gift I was born with. We all have our talents, and my dick just happens to be mine. It’s really a curse. It’s very exhausting. Sometimes I just want a cuddle.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
“We fuck, and then I want to cuddle. I don’t take out the fucking.”
Wiping the tears away from my eyes, I chuckled. “Well, you have officially almost made me pee my pants.”
“Can’t say it’s a first for me.”
“Were you the jokester as a kid?”
“My therapist says I use laughter as a defense mechanism.”
“For what?”
“She sucked my dick. We didn’t get that far. Oi! Remind me to find a new therapist. We were onto some serious shit”—he pointed to his head— “in here.”
“Now, that, I believe.”
I watched him drink his beer, my mind darting right back to Cash.
“Where did he go?”
“To find himself.”
“Where’s that?”
“Usually down a dark alley.”
I jerked back, shocked.
The press was right? He did have a drug problem?
“How bad is it?”
“Depends on the day. Cash is at his best when he’s creating. He’s an artist. We’re stuck in our own fucking heads.”
“Does he do this a lot?”
“Do what?”
“Run away.”
“Junie.” He smiled. “We’re all running from something or else you wouldn’t be here.”
Was I running? Is that what I was doing?
“Go to bed, Journey. I’ll wait for him, I promise.”
“Do I need to be worried?”
“He’s a big boy. He always finds his way home. Besides, he wouldn’t want you to see him like that.”
“Like what?”
“Lost.”
Yet another four-letter word that kept me up for I didn’t know how long. I tossed and turned for hours ’til I was exhausted enough to pass out. The whirlwind of my emotions lingered in the room, in the air, in his bed I laid on. It took me forever to fall asleep that night.
Even though sleep was the last thing on my mind, I couldn’t fight the drowsiness any longer. Closing my eyes, telling myself it would only be for a minute. The next thing I knew they were fluttering open.
Why?
Because I felt him.
In my heart, in my soul, in every fiber of my being. I felt him there with me. It was the first time I’d ever experienced such a powerful sentiment.
The sleepy haze subsided quickly. I blinked, and it was gone. In its place was a man I didn’t recognize. Cash was slouched forward, sitting on the couch with his elbows on his knees. His hair was wet, slightly hanging over his bloodshot eyes. He was wearing a hoodie and jeans.
Staring fixedly at me like the sight of me gave him peace.
I breathed out a heavy sigh of relief, seeing him there with me. I couldn’t help it, I burst into tears. An overwhelming amount of fear settled over me. Remembering Beck’s words crystal clear.
“He wouldn’t want you to see him like that.”
“Like what?”
“Lost.”
He was showing me, and I probably ruined the chance of having him open up to me by crying.
“Fuck,” he exclaimed, rushing toward me. I blinked and his hands were on my face. “Don’t cry for me, Junie. Please don’t cry for me.”
“Where did you go?” I wept.
He wiped away my tears with his calloused thumbs, and our eyes locked.
“Junie, please...”
I lost it. I bawled hysterically, my body shaking so bad with each sob. In one fast sudden movement, he tugged me onto his lap. Wrapping my legs around him, hugging me against his chest.
“Shhh ...