life, remember?”
I shut my eyes, the agony taking me under.
“Auntie Neyney, are you there?”
Before I knew what I was doing, I hummed, “Mmm hmm,” in a high-pitched voice.
Bailey didn’t question it, squealing, “Oh. My. God! Auntie Neyney! Cash McGraw is on TV!”
I stopped breathing.
“They’re playing his new song! I love this song! ‘When the world is holdin’ ya down and ya need someone by your side! Then you put up a fight! Yeah! You put up a fight!’” she sang the lyrics to me, and I swear I almost died right then and there.
“I love Beck Rice, he’s so cute. You know he’s my favorite. But don’t worry, I still listen to all the records you let me keep. I just love Johnny Cash so much! You know he died three months after his June did? I’m readin’ his biography. ‘It ain’t me, no way, no how,’” my baby girl sang Johnny Cash to me. “I love all the music you always showed me, Auntie Neyney.”
Journey taught Bailey my love for music.
I jerked back, overwhelmed with what she unknowingly disclosed to the man her mother hated. Despite what I did, what I put her through, how much I hurt her.
Harley still allowed Journey to give our daughter a huge part of me, and that...
I wasn’t expecting.
How much did Journey know? Did Harley tell her? Did Jackson?
“Bailey!” I heard Harley holler from far away. “Come on, sweet girl, it’s time to go watch daddy’s practice!”
“Yessssss! I love football! Daddy is the best quarterback in all the world. The NFL said so.”
Tears instantly pooled in my eyes. My body felt like it suddenly weighed a thousand pounds, sinking into the floor beneath me.
This was the closest I had ever been to Bailey. Usually I just saw her in my dreams, in my nightmares, through the haze of booze and drugs. I didn’t want her to leave me. I didn’t want to end this call. All I wanted was to take her in my arms and never let her go.
“Okay, Momma! I’ll be right there! I’m talkin’ to Auntie Neyney!”
“Tell her I said hello, and I’ll call her back tomorrow!”
“Momma said she will call you back tomorrow. I’ll call back too, okay? I gotta go. I love you.”
Three little words.
I love you.
Sucked the air right outta my lungs.
“Bro, you alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
What did I do?
“Cash, you okay?”
What did I give up?
“Cash, are you listening?”
How could I be so fuckin’ stupid?
“Cash, you’re scaring me.”
I blinked, and my eyes locked with Journey. Her gaze went from mine down to her cell phone which was still in my tight grasp.
“What’s going on? Did Harley call? Did you talk to her?”
She was standing right in front of me, however, it felt as though she was miles and miles away.
“Cash ... who called?”
Silence.
Not one fuckin’ word from me. I couldn’t get my lips to move. Frozen. Numb. Giving up.
I was tired.
So fuckin’ tired of it all.
“Please talk to me. I’m here, Cash. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. Just tell me what’s going on.”
I wasn’t proud of the things I’d done. I was more ashamed than anyone could possibly imagine.
What did you do, Cash? What did you fuckin’ do?
When I didn’t move an inch, she grabbed the phone outta my hand. Jolting me back to the present, I shook my head. Backing away from her.
“I gotta go.”
“Go? Go where?” she asked, staring at me as if I was about to break in front of her.
“Away from here.”
“Okay, I’ll go with you.”
I fervently shook my head. “Away from you. I’m not good for no one. Stay away from me, Junie. Stay the fuck away from me.”
“Cash, don’t do this. Please don’t do this.”
I didn’t think twice about it, I rapidly turned and left. Hauling ass off the tour bus.
“Just let him be,” I heard Beck say to her. “He’ll be back. He always comes back.”
I ran.
I ran as fast as I fuckin’ could.
Far away from Journey.
My bandmates.
Running from the truth of who I was.
“We’re best friends. Pinky promise for life, remember?”
I tugged the hoodie of my sweater over my head, jumping into the first cab I saw.
“Where to?” the American driver asked.
Not meeting his eyes, I questioned, “Where are we?”
“Finland.”
“Take me to the nearest bar.”
“Hey, are you Cash Mc—”
“No. Now fuckin’ drive.”
“I’m going to show you what love is, Cash McGraw! You’ll see! I’m going to show you!”
My past and present collided, catapulting me into another life.
Time just seemed to stand still as