Every time I saw him on a magazine cover with his flavor of the week, it’d unexpectedly hurt me. It was such an absurd reaction to have to a man I didn’t know anymore.
Or maybe I never knew him at all?
As if reading my mind, he professed, “Women mean nothin’ to me, Junie. I fuck ’em and leave ’em. It’s that simple for me. Aside from you, Harley, and Shiloh, I’ve never had a girl mean anythin’ to me. I’m no good to no one.”
“Why do you feel that way?”
“’Cuz it’s the truth.”
“You don’t talk to Harley anymore,” I uttered the truth, impatiently waiting to hear his retort.
The silence was deafening.
“You don’t have anything to say?”
“Not without lyin’ to you.”
“Cash—”
“I remember everythin’ ’bout you that matters, darlin’. Your favorite color, your first steps, what makes you smile, makes you laugh, makes you sad. I know how white your eyes get when you cry. I know what your voice sounds like from a mile away. I know your sunflower scent, your soft hair and skin. Despite the fact I haven’t seen you in over twelve years, I knew from the second I saw you posin’ for those pics, it was you. Little Miss Thang, Journey Pierce, right in front of my eyes. Except, she ain’t so little anymore.”
I was winded, surprised, and shocked with what he’d just revealed.
“So don’t ever tell me I don’t know you, ’cuz you’re the one person I remember the most from my past.”
The sincere expression on his face spoke volumes, but then he ruined it. Demanding, “Now I ain’t gonna say it again, put on my hoodie before I show you what happens when you dress like you wanna be fucked.”
The sharp tone in his voice struck a nerve inside of me.
“You wouldn’t do that to me.”
“Do what exactly?”
“Use me.” It was my turn to give him a taste of his own medicine. “You think you’re the only one who remembers? I hate to break it to you, but I remember too, Cash McGraw. I remember the way you used to sing to me as if we were the only two people who mattered. I remember all your favorite songs because they became mine too. I remember the expression on your face every time I’d tell you something new I learned at the library. I remember how much you hated that place, but you would take me there anytime I asked. I remember how much you’d listen to every detail of what I had to say like it was the most important thing in the world. How many times you’d make me laugh, smile, feel like I was your best friend too. You never once treated me like a child.”
“Well then, I’m makin’ up for lost time.”
His response pissed me off, and I jerked my body around, trying to break out of his hold, but the second I felt him let go of my wrists and tug on the ends of my hair, I froze.
I could see, feel, his internal struggle. He was fighting something deeper I couldn’t understand.
“You’re right,” he declared, stepping away from this unmistakable gravitational pull we had toward each other. Only confirming what I already knew.
“I wouldn’t use you,” he admitted. “It’s why you need to put on some fuckin’ clothes.”
Dear Diary,
Once upon a time...
There was a little girl who wanted to see the world. Learning everything she could through her books and stories. The library was her favorite place, filled with so much knowledge and so much wonder she held at her fingertips. This little girl with golden blonde hair and crystal blue eyes turned into a woman.
And her story continues on...
Here I was, Diary. Sitting on Life of Debauchery’s tour bus. On Cash McGraw’s tour bus.
My Cash.
All I ever wanted was to experience as much as I could out of life. See all the things, be all the things, remember all the things.
Know what it feels like to be loved.
I wait, I’ve waited...
For my Prince Charming, my hero, the man who’d ruin me for every other I came in contact with.
From the moment I learned about my biological mother and how early onset dementia took everything from her.
I. Hated. Her.
Her blood runs through my veins.
Her genes in my DNA.
She cursed me from the moment I was born...
To live life of the unknown.
But for today, I won’t think about any of that. Today, I live for tomorrow.
With Cash Motherfuckin’ McGraw.
Sincerely,
Junie
Chapter 21
“Take care of all your memories. For you cannot relive them.”
-Bob