that door.
It burned into all my insecurities of what I didn’t want to be true. As all the lies I’d told myself for years came tumbling down on me. Suffocating me in ways I never thought possible.
Realizing right then and there I’d never been her hero. It was Jackson, he’d been that man her entire life. The darkness settled all around me. I sat there until my body couldn’t take it anymore. I sat there until I felt like there was nothing left of me.
For the next two months, I lived down a bottle of Jack. Writing all my feelings into music I’d never share with the world. Finding solace in the melody and the booze was simply the only way I made it through.
From the moment I heard my door pounding, I was aware of who was standing on the other side.
I welcomed it.
Jackson.
The door was barely open when he slammed it against the wall. Barging into my face.
“Been expectin’ you,” I spoke. “I’m surprised it took this lon—”
His fist collided with my fuckin’ face, causing my head to whoosh back from the anticipated blow, taking half my body with me.
I stumbled, shaking it off.
“This how it’s gonna be?” I asked, spitting blood onto the ground.
Hoping I get this and much more.
I deserved it.
“Hell yeah, it’s go-time, motherfucker. I’ve been waiting all my life for this moment.” He charged me, ramming his body into my torso and taking me to the ground.
I didn’t fight back, nor did I stop him. Which only made it easier for him to do what he came here for. To lay me out, once and for all.
“You piece of shit!” He hit me. “You fucked her!” He hit me again. “You knocked her up!” He hit me twice more. “And then you have the fuckin’ balls to tell her to get rid of it!” He hit me three more times.
Face.
Stomach.
Ribs.
“That you want no part in it! Fuck you, pussy boy! That’s my baby inside of her! Not yours, you son of a bitch. She’ll be raising it with me! Not alone how you want it!” He hit my ribs and face one more time. “If you ever come home, or near her and my baby again, I will fuckin’ destroy you with my bare hands! Do you understand me?!” One last hit to my stomach.
He stood, and I instantly rolled over onto my chest. Coughing up blood.
Good.
Breathing heavily, sweating profusely. Not wavering for one second, he spit in my face. Grabbing the collar of my shirt, he ordered, “Look at me. Look me in the fuckin’ eyes like a man.”
I did, hardly able to open them. They were already swelling shut.
Glaring deep into my gaze, he spoke the last truth we both knew. “You’re a piece of shit, a fuckin’ pussy! You always thought I was the one who was going to break her heart. Except, it wasn’t me, motherfucker.”
Cocking his head to the side, he roared, “It was you.”
It. Was. Me.
And that was the last time...
I was sober.
Chapter 27
“Everything I was afraid of growing up, I’ve become.”
-Marilyn Manson
<>Cash<>
Then: Twenty-five-years-old
Opening the pill bottle, I shook out a handful and chugged it down with the rest of the whiskey flask in my hand.
“To celebrate this monumental moment!” the Panthers manager announced as I stood on the side of the stage.
I didn’t wanna fuckin’ be here. There was no way I could get outta the contract without being sued by everyone and their mother.
Our record label wanted me to release a single. I was alone. I hated being alone. This wasn’t how I wanted to see either of them for the first time after all these years.
We’d all moved on.
At least they did.
I lived in the purgatory of my own Hell. Where drugs and booze were the answer to everything. It kept me numb. It kept me sane. It kept me from remembering.
“We have a special guest of honor for you this evening! This performer is a three-time platinum recording artist, internationally known songwriter, and Grammy-winning solo artist. His talent on the guitar knows no bounds.”
The motherfucker got it wrong.
Who the fuck was giving him these stats?
I was with Life of Debauchery. I didn’t even wanna release this fuckin’ single. Our label had me by the balls, and they knew it too.
“He’s been called the Kurt Cobain of this generation. I want everyone to get on their feet and get ready for the show of a lifetime. Without further ado... Ladies and gentlemen, Cash McGraw!”
Fuck me.
Chugging