have wanted was for you to grow to despise him. Because of that, I think he would’ve tried to keep his truths hidden from you forever. So no, I don’t think he’d have taken our side. And that’s the difference between you two. I think everything happened in the only way it could happen. But I also think that there’s no good that can come out of this conversation.” With a gentle stroke to my cheeks, he bends to plant a kiss against my skin.
“Sometimes it’s hard as a man to be open and share what you’re feeling,” Bastian continues. “The kingdom expected him to be stern and strong, and so that’s who he showed them he was. But he broke that facade every time he saw you. The two of you loved each other in a way I wish I’d been able to know with my own father. I hardly knew King Audric, but I saw it when you two were together the night of your birthday.
“No one can tell you how to grieve.” He curls his fingers into mine. “You need to mourn in whatever way is right for you. But he wouldn’t have wanted to see you thinking like this. He believed in you; he died so that you could live and help the kingdom in a way he was not able to. The last thing he’d want is you giving up the sacrifice he made.”
Never once have I spoken about what happened that night. Mother wanted to know details, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t give them. Every time I tried to think about them, I’d think of the blood. I’d think of the life draining from his body and eyes, and I’d lose myself to the pain of that night all over again.
But tonight is different. This time when I think about Father’s death, it’s not the blood or the sword I see. It’s the moment when he took me to the deep, secret place within his own soul, and I’d spoken my last words to him: I can’t forgive you for this.
For so long I’ve tried to avoid thinking of that moment, of the words I’ve wanted for so long to take back.
My last moment with Father was spent telling him how wrong he was and blaming him for the many mistakes he’d made. And tonight, even if it wasn’t truly him, I still hadn’t managed to tell him I was sorry.
I don’t realize I’m crying until Bastian winds his arms around me tight and bundles us into the sheets. He’s saying something between soothing sounds, but I can’t focus enough to make out the words. I bury my face in his chest, unable to stop every feeling that floods through me at once. Pain, mourning, and an absolute, unending numbness.
“I told him I couldn’t forgive him.” I nearly choke the words into Bastian’s skin, and his shoulders slump with understanding. “Those were my last words. Not goodbye. Not how much I love him. I told him I could never forgive him.”
“You didn’t need to tell him how much you loved him.” Bastian holds me tight no matter how hard I cry on his bare skin, making a mess of his chest. “He knew. I promise you, if there’s one thing King Audric knew, it’s that you loved him.”
And gods, I want him to be right. I want nothing more than to believe that as my truth. But there’s no way for me to truly know.
Father is dead. And if I choose to break my curse, I will never have the chance to tell him how much I love him.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
I wake before dawn, peeling from the warmth of Bastian’s bed and quietly pulling on my coat and boots. Avoiding the creakiest of the steps, I sneak out of the captain’s quarters and back to my own cabin well before anyone should be awake.
To my surprise, it’s not a sleeping Vataea who waits for me.
Both she and Ferrick stand in the room, him a disheveled mess and her feral. She speaks in a low and angry hiss while Ferrick tries to placate her, hands held up in defense.
My hand slips from the door as Vataea’s golden eyes cut to me, far more lethal than I’ve ever seen. Even while pulling men into the sea, she never looked half as frightening as she does now.
She jerks from the floor and has me against the wall with no warning, her forearm pressed against