take anything else from him.
I needed help figuring out what to do now, if I should take Judith’s advice and continue on at Valor. I meant what I said to Hudson. I couldn’t afford to wait for Ellen to find me something else, and nothing could give me the chances Valor did. But could I stay here? Could I be in their office all day, accepting more help from those who lied so easily to me and managed to keep it up for so long?
I’d wracked my brain all day yesterday. That photograph. How many more were there? How many times had David had to rush through his house, stashing pictures before I went over there? How deep did this deception run, and why? Why didn’t they tell me?
If I hadn’t discovered it by accident, when would they have told me?
So there I was, ignoring Nancy’s previous question of why I was there and asking me what happened, and spewing bullshit about vampires because I couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t feel anything, and hated that when I did fall asleep, I saw Hudson’s ravaged, beautiful face.
“I don’t know if outside of Josh, I knew what love was and even then his love was selfish—”
Thinking about Josh after all these years no longer wrecked me with sadness and grief. Those overwhelming emotions had burned out after a few years in prison when I grew used to missing him so much, when I needed someone to call and was constantly reminded that no one was there for me. Instead, to cope, I started thinking of all the ways he too had disappointed me. He’d loved me—and hurt me. Not like my dad. Not like my mom. But he’d hurt me even when he was there for me. I had needed someone healthy in my life.
And I’d never had it.
“He had an addiction, we talked about this.”
“I know.” Logically, I understood. It was the emotions I always tripped over. “But he had opportunities for help and he always chose that over me.”
“Did he? Or did he choose to escape his own hell while still doing his best for you?”
“You’re supposed to be listening,” I chided her and she lifted one hand in apology.
“I think when he died, the only part of my heart that wasn’t meant purely for beating blood in my body died. And I got so used to living without that when I saw glimpses of it reviving around Hudson, it scared me. I don’t know what to do now without that beat.”
I rubbed my chest. God, it hurt. It hurt so damn much.
I turned to Nancy. She sat on her chair, not dressed in her usual jeans but today she wore black leggings. From her toes, dangled a cougar print high-heel shoe. It swayed back and forth like a pendulum as she slowly swung her leg.
“You can live without a heart.” I was certain of it. “My dad has never had one.”
Nancy didn’t say anything, although that irritating scratch of pen to paper went wild.
“Why are you really here today?” she asked with her standard, curious tone.
“Because I don’t know what to do.”
“Don’t know what to do with… Hudson?”
“No. My job. My life. My apartment.”
“And this has nothing to do with Hudson.”
Was she asking a question or making a statement? Sometimes with Nancy, it was hard to tell.
“We’re over.” Pain dug into my palms and I flexed the fists I’d made without realizing it. Tiny crescent-shaped moons appeared on my palms. We had to be over. He’d never once trusted me with the truth of why or how David and he became so connected in my life.
He’d had multiple chances.
So, yeah… whatever I thought we had, was over.
“Hmm.”
Scratch, scratch, scratch.
“Nancy,” I warned her. Her hums got under my skin. An itch like ants crawling beneath my clothes and in places I couldn’t reach to scratch.
She uncrossed her legs and shifted, tucking one of her feet under her. With a slap, she closed her book and tossed it into the coffee table between us.
Now was my chance to grab it and inspect all the notes she’d written about me. Especially today.
Daddy issues. Trust issues. Shows no growth in either and seems to want to wallow in her misfortune.
Enough with the pity party. I ran a hand across my forehead and rubbed my temples.
“Let me ask something else,” she said, and she’d propped her chin into her fist, elbow on the armrest of her chair. Her blonde hair was pulled back into