now there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that could make me turn my back on any of it, or them.
I squeezed my eyes closed, pressed my finger and thumb to the bridge of my nose to settle myself.
My father had never been a dad, not in the ways it mattered, and my mom had been too weak to protect her children or herself.
Why was I still spending so much energy trying to get them to love me, when I should feel nothing for them but pity?
“Are you okay?” Hudson asked, eventually, once my tears stopped and I quit clinging to him like an octopus.
“I’m exhausted.” From the day, the year… hell, the last eight of them. “I want warm pajamas, a fireplace, and maybe some hot chocolate.”
Hudson pressed his face to my throat and laughed. “I don’t know if I have the hot chocolate but I can give you the rest.”
I sighed, “That will have to do then.”
He made me feel cared for and he made me feel beautiful, but I realized once we returned to our building, and Hudson walked us to my apartment and not his, that one of the things I loved most about Hudson, was that he didn’t only make me feel things. He had an uncanny sense of when he needed to just let me be, and in doing that, he allowed me to be myself.
I didn’t have to check my emotions or my responses and I didn’t have to keep my guard up or look over my shoulder to see how my reactions would affect others.
I could simply be me.
And that was a gift I’d gone far too long without experiencing.
My apartment was dark and cold, it lacked the fireplace I asked for and it lacked the Christmas decorations I’d done in Hudson’s apartment and yet without asking, it was like he knew I needed the comforts of my own belongings. He slipped my keys from my hand and unlocked my door, opening it and guiding me in with his hand at my lower back.
My protector, my helper, and my comforter all wrapped up with a firm, warm hand on my back, guiding me and taking care of me.
It helped to wash away the grief and sadness of the day and highlighted the beauty and the joy.
I’d found what I wanted for so long—acceptance.
That alone made me want to cry again.
“Do you know what I thought about on the way here?” I asked Hudson.
He’d stopped at the small island and rested against it. Arms crossed over his chest. “What?”
“We always seem to leave your Dad’s house in a rotten mood.”
“Maybe we should stop going there.”
Chuckling, I shook my head. He was trying to add levity to the day, which I appreciated but it was unnecessary.
“I don’t think that’s the solution. I just was thinking that it’s been a long time since I’d been able to get bad news, or be in a bad mood, and just… be. That probably doesn’t make sense.”
“It does. You mean you don’t have to fake anything? Keep up a front?”
I knew he’d understand me. He always seemed to. “Yeah. That wall I’ve been holding up feels like it’s gone now.”
“Yeah?” He pushed off the counter and came toward me, eating that small distance between us in two slow strides. “I like knowing that.”
I slid my hand to his chest and let it rest at his heart. His simple nearness made my pulse flutter.
Tilting my head back, I took in his dark eyes, those little flecks of gold that glittered from his pupils. His dark, thick lashes rimmed his eyes, always making him seem so intense, and yet I knew I was one of the few women who saw that intensity soften and melt at the most intimate moments.
Because I knew, while he had given himself so easily to me over the last few months, he held himself back from so many.
“When I’m with you, I know I can be myself, without pretense or worry.”
“Lilly—”
“Shh.” I pressed my finger to his lips to silence him. In turn, he got a playful gleam in his eye and nipped at my fingertip.
“I haven’t had that since Josh, so I wanted to thank you, for the gift of being able to be myself.”
He took my hand covering his lips and held it in one hand, cupping the back of my neck with his other. Drawing me closer, I got lost in the darkness of his eyes, the woodsy scent of his cologne, pine, and