the coward’s path. He stayed holed up in his rooms upstairs, going from the piano room to his bedroom and to the kitchen when Van needed him to make stuff for their dad. And he went to work, and he met his students, and he ignored every single text that popped up on his phone.
So much for maturity, he thought. But the pain had to ease up at some point, and when it did, he’d start all over again. After all, loneliness was an old, familiar friend.
“Nik?”
His brother’s voice came from the doorway, and Nik didn’t bother to turn. He was half bent over the table next to his piano, meticulously brailling out some of his feelings in the form of dark, somber notes. It wasn’t a composition—not yet. It might not ever be, but it was better than what he’d been crapping out over the last few months.
The irritation of being interrupted raced up his spine, and he lifted his head, hoping his scowl was evident. He heard his brother’s hesitation, and then a quiet sigh.
“You have a guest.”
For a brief, painful moment, Nik’s heart lurched. He hadn’t realized just how intense his unspoken fantasy was that Adam would come for him. But he also knew it wasn’t Adam here today. “I’m busy,” he finally said.
“Yeah, well,” came another voice from behind his brother. Jay. Van’s footsteps disappeared back down the hall, and Jay walked into the room. His friend didn’t spend a lot of time at Nik’s house—no one really did—but Jay was one of the few people Nik invited into his space. “You can’t ignore me forever, you know.”
Nik dragged a hand down his face, then set his stylus and slate off to the side before righting himself. He braced one hand on the edge of the table, and his head swiveled, following the sound of Jay’s footsteps as he crossed the room to the set of comfy chairs against the far wall.
“I’m not ignoring you,” Nik told him after a long beat of silence.
Jay laughed, and the chair squeaked against the wood floor as he sat. “Fine. You can’t ignore whatever it is you’re ignoring forever. I told Adam he couldn’t steal you every day, but when I went over to Vincent’s to see if he was bogarting all your time, he said you haven’t been by in over a week.”
Nik felt his cheeks heat up, and he fought the urge to cover them with both hands. Instead of walking over to his friend and joining him, he sat back on the piano bench and leaned forward, bracing his forearms over his thighs. “We kissed,” he said after a moment, and he heard Jay suck in air. “We kissed, then I got up and I ran, like a coward.”
“Jesus, dude. Did he force himself on you?” The way Jay’s tone rose, like he was ready to go to war on Nik’s behalf warmed him, but his desire to protect Adam eclipsed it quickly.
“No. I…we had a moment. I wanted it so much, but…” He stopped, licking his lips. “I can’t, Jay.”
Jay breathed out like he was calming himself, and then Nik heard him rise and walk over. He was nudged, and then Jay’s larger body joined him on the bench, pressing them together from hip to knee. “Can you help me understand? I mean, anyone can see that boy is gone as fuck on you, so why…”
“Because I’ll lose him,” Nik blurted. “I’ll fuck it up, or all of this”—he waved his hand toward his piano, at the room, at everything that consumed him—“will be too much for him, and it’ll be over. And it’s better to have him as something rather than nothing, right? Even if it’s not everything I want.”
Jay hummed in thought, and Nik startled when his friend grabbed his hand, enveloping his own in long, powerful fingers. “I don’t know the answer to that. I’ve been with Cassie for almost all my adult life, even when I’m not. You know?”
“I know,” Nik answered him quietly.
“Sometimes I do think it’s better off not to have her at all. This back and forth shit is miserable, and neither one of us are happy. But I can’t regret what we did have.”
“I understand that, but it’s different for you,” Nik told him. His throat felt thick with tears he was still refusing to shed, because at this point, it might all be for nothing. He’d already fucked up—he wasn’t sure there was anything left to