seemed organized.
“My dad always liked pretty things. He liked unique arrangements.”
“It’s simple,” Adam told him. He stepped to the side, but he didn’t let Nik go, and his touch was grounding. “I like the photos. Your brother chose well.”
“I didn’t ask what they were,” Nik confessed. “At the time I just thought it was pointless. I mean…it is. They’ll never matter.”
“Don’t they?” Adam challenged.
Nik bit the inside of his cheek because he didn’t know how to answer that. Yes, in some ways they did. And in others, no. Photos wouldn’t bring him back. That voicemail wouldn’t bring him back. Nor would his begging the universe or any bargain he could offer the unknown.
“He wanted a church funeral. We had my mom’s out by the lake, on the docks.” He felt Adam slip away, a trail of fingers down his arm until they were holding hands. It felt like another step, another concession. He tightened his grasp. “He liked it out there, but he was always more traditional than her.”
“Not Catholic though?”
Nik laughed and shook his head. “No. He liked the rituals and the Latin, but he wasn’t a big fan of corruption. He never did have much faith.”
“Neither do I,” Adam mused. He pulled Nik close and touched his face with his free hand, palm warm and a little sweaty. “I would have come, you know. If you had called. Even if…even if we weren’t, if we didn’t…”
Nik’s stomach clenched, and he turned his face into Adam’s hand, nuzzling against it. “I almost did. But I still feel so lost.”
“You won’t be forever.” Adam sounded so damn sure, and Nik wondered if he’d feel that way too, if he wasn’t overwhelmed with grief. “Do you want to sit?”
“Yes,” Nik told him. “I think I’m supposed to greet people, but I hope they’ll forgive me this time, because I don’t think I can.”
“If anyone judges you, I’ll punch them in the fucking face,” Adam growled. “Sorry for saying fuck in God’s house.”
Nik laughed and pulled him even closer, pressing his nose against the side of Adam’s temple. “Such a small sin. I think He’ll forgive you.”
“Yeah?” Adam said.
Nik pulled away and offered the most sincere smile he could manage right then. “Yeah.”
Chapter 24
En Pressant
It was a risk, showing up even early. It was a risk approaching Nik, who very clearly hadn’t heard him walk in. It was a risk trying at all—but where Nik was concerned, the risk would always be worth it. And it paid off, in a small way. Nik hadn’t let him go during services, and when Adam caught Van’s eye, he saw the gratitude there beneath the grief and fatigue.
Both brothers looked exhausted, and Nik looked thinner than ever with hollowed cheeks and his belt cinched too tight. Adam didn’t know what this sort of grief was like. In a strange way, it was a blessing that his father had died long before he remembered him. It was easy to miss something you never had, but the grief wasn’t as profound. He’d take a soft melancholy to the way Nik clung to him and released silent, aching sobs into his neck when the funeral was underway.
For a while, he was afraid Nik was expected to go up and speak, but both brothers had abstained from taking the mic, instead letting colleagues regale the sparse chapel with stories of their younger father and his college years. They even got Nik laughing a time or two and earned them a couple of quiet sighs and a soft grin.
When it was over, Nik managed the strength to give a general nod to people who had lined up to shake hands and give condolences, but Nik seemed more than grateful when Adam whisked him out the side door with the glowing exit sign and right into the parking lot.
“Where can I take you?” Adam inquired as they approached his car.
Nik swallowed thickly. “Home. My house,” he added. “If you don’t mind.”
“I had no expectations,” Adam told him, and he tried to sound casual, but it came out so flat that Nik stopped and reached for him,
“No, that’s not…I want you to come with me. And as much as your place is a sanctuary, I just need to be in my bed tonight.”
Adam hesitated, but only for a moment. This thing between them now felt more like a Band-Aid than a cure, but he could give Nik these precious hours to collect himself and feel at least some measure of healing before