hit the back button, then pause. His feet were moving before he was consciously aware of it, and then he had his guitar in hand. He hadn’t touched either of his instruments since the disastrous night with Nik when his music had changed everything, but it felt like it was time now.
He wanted to share this—even by himself, even floating in this eternal limbo. He plugged into his amp, tested that everything was tuned and ready, and then he reached for the light. The room plunged into darkness, apart from the little glow on the CD’s LED screen. His fingers found the play button, and he started it again.
He shouldn’t know this music. Not really. Not the way he seemed to. But it wasn’t just this recording, he realized. It was night after night lying sleepless in Nik’s bed as he listened to his lover create in the other room. It was for him, about him, because of him—these notes. And even now, he smiled to himself as his own fingers managed to bring them out along with the cascading sounds of piano under Nik’s hands.
Nik was still part of him, through this. Lost to him, but he’d always have these pieces. They fit in the spaces where his soul was fractured, and though he didn’t have Nik, in the dark like this—with their song between them—he felt something like whole.
Not entirely.
But enough.
Chapter 28
Emporté
Rome was everything and nothing like he imagined it would be. It felt like another world, but the hustle and bustle of the city was far too like Manhattan to feel truly alien.
Van was by his side the entire time, and though Nik thought he’d resent his brother for deciding to come along, he felt grounded with an arm under his hand as they shopped for his flat.
“I don’t think I’ll stay long,” Van admitted after the first week. “I think I want to travel.”
They had enough money for it. The house sold above market value, and the mortgage had been almost entirely paid off. Their father had good benefits, and even with the cost of his medical care at the end, both brothers had a cushion large enough that they wouldn’t have to worry for a while. And when they did, it was likely Nik would be making money from his music once again.
He met Nicolas and Cedric the first night he arrived at a lavishly catered dinner at their small but comfortable flat on the outskirts of the city. There were only a handful of people there, and Nik was profoundly aware of how very much like a family they all were, and how very much he stood on the outside.
Van mingled and weaved through them like he was made for the life in ways Nik never expected, and he’d have felt a little bit like a wallflower were it not for Ben sitting with him and making conversation whenever everyone else got distracted.
“Tell me you don’t hate it,” Ben said after refilling his wine. “You look like you’re in mourning.”
“I am.” Nik didn’t think there was any point in his lying. “I’ll get over it.”
Ben laughed. “I keep telling myself that too.”
Nik didn’t know how to take it, but at the very least, he appreciated the comradery, even if he didn’t love the idea that someone else was suffering along with him. But it was easy to see how he was in love with Cedric—and had stayed that way through the years.
Cedric was a force of nature, bright and always laughing and absolutely in his element. His voice was soft, his accent a strange mix that Nik assumed came from living in so many places all the time. But he never left Nicolas’ orbit for long, even when he was making friends.
“We’re going to have to give you two numbers,” Alessio declared once the rest of their guests had departed for the night. “Nik and Nick.”
There was a scoff, and Nicolas’ tone held a faint sneer when he said, “No one calls me Nick.”
“I do,” Cedric piped up with a laugh.
“You don’t count,” was Nicolas’ reply, full of a love that Nik didn’t think he’d ever use with another human being. He didn’t need sight to know that they had their hands on each other. He knew it because he had felt that once, and he felt the absence even more keenly now.
“Anyway, Nik,” Cedric went on, “I’ve been desperate to get my hands on your piece. Do you have it here?”
Nik flushed. “It’s