in worse,” Nik told him. His smile was still heavy, but it didn’t have the same ache as before. The funeral was finally over, after such a long, painful, drawn-out ending. “When we—if we,” he said, his cheeks going pink with his correction. “If we were to live together, it would happen sometimes.”
“I’d try,” Adam defended, not letting himself get too lost in that fantasy.
Nik chuckled and plated the eggs with careful scoops. “I’ve lived with Van most of my life, and he still leaves shoes near the stairs.”
Adam scowled to himself at Van’s haughty attitude—but then again, he’d known Van was mostly full of shit. “I’ll be better than that.”
“And if you’re not, I’ll forgive you,” Nik told him. He held up Adam’s plate, and Adam took it along with his coffee.
Settling at the table, Adam enjoyed the soft sun filtering in through the blinds. He liked the way it hit Nik from the back, making him light up with a glow that made him look like he belonged in the heavens. Adam was quickly losing his resolve to just give up his anger and fear, to give up everything to just be loved and touched by him again.
“How is your brother-in-law settling in?”
Adam groaned, setting his fork down. “Good, I guess. I fucking forgot Stella asked me to come over for dinner.” A thought hit him, and he blurted it out without really thinking. “You could come with me if you want.”
At the look on Nik’s face, Adam opened his mouth to retract the invitation, but Nik was faster. “Would that be appropriate?”
Adam lifted a brow. “We’re not formal, Nik. No written invitations required.”
Nik huffed a small laugh as he took a drink of his coffee, then wiped his hand across his mouth. “I only mean…after everything…”
“I haven’t talked to her about it,” Adam confessed. He dragged his fork through his eggs, then sighed and set it down. “I didn’t know what there was to talk about.” He had wanted to wait a little bit longer, but the moment was there, the door was open. “You just…you just left. Again.”
“I know,” Nik whispered. He pushed his plate to the side, then curled his hands around his mug. “I panicked.”
“Why?” Adam pressed. “Just…what did I do?”
Nik looked utterly horrified. “Jesus, Adam. No, you didn’t do anything.”
“Don’t tell me it was dealing with your dad,” Adam blurted, now a little angry. “I know that’s not it.”
“It wasn’t that,” Nik agreed softly. “I was panicking about what’s coming after all…this. His death, selling the house, losing my job.”
“You could have told me about that part,” Adam said. “But I had to hear it from Seth.”
“I didn’t want you blaming yourself.”
With a scoff, Adam shook his head. “Have more faith in me than that. I’m going to blame the bigoted bitch who went after your job because you’re fucking a man.”
Nik pursed his lips, then his entire face relaxed. “I’m an idiot.”
“Yes,” Adam said without a single hesitation, and it made Nik laugh. “You are. You’re a fucking idiot. These are things people handle together.”
He knew Nik wanted to blame his past, blame his ineptitude to properly express himself—and Adam knew a lot of that was valid. But there was something important and something almost perfect about the way he didn’t.
Adam was still raw, still sore, but he was falling back in. Maybe too fast, but with Nik, he realized he was probably always going to be a little bit reckless. “I need a shower.”
Nik sighed, then nodded. “So do I. Do you…want to join me?”
More than anything, he did, but there was a ball of anxiety in his gut that told him no, and not yet. “I don’t think I should.”
“Perhaps you’re right. But I just meant to shower,” Nik told him. He bowed his head. “I want you—I always want you, but after yesterday, I don’t think I could. I just…I want to be near you.”
And that was enough. Adam rose from the table, and he let Nik take his hand, and they made their way upstairs. There were fresh towels hanging, and Adam slowly stripped out of his boxers and the t-shirt he’d stolen from Nik’s dresser. He set them on the back of the toilet as Nik dropped his things into the hamper, then he leaned in to start the water.
It took half an age to warm up, so Adam took the opportunity to push in close. His hands drifted over Nik’s shoulders, and he stared at them