I had started to formulate my own opinion of Levi’s use of the word ‘soon’. I was glad my appointment with him that morning had been cancelled due to some emergency.
My parents did most of the talking. Apparently Denise had asked them if she could visit me. I don’t know why – maybe she felt bad about me landing in this place after her random stock-check of the drugstore. The thought reminded me of the current drug stash I had wedged beneath my mattress.
I sighed. Was now the moment to make my choice? Hand back the pills I’d stolen? Was today the day? Here, with my parents? That was what Ethan wanted – for me to make this choice for myself. But looking at Mom’s and Dad’s faces, their eagerness for everything to be okay, for it to be the way it once was, I just couldn’t do it to them.
I’d let them have today and ask Ethan to help me get rid of the pills later. Also … I couldn’t deny there was a small part of me that still wasn’t a hundred per cent ready to hand them over.
I took a deep breath. ‘It’s really good to see you, Mom. I’m sorry things have been so …’
She waved a hand in the air, dismissing my attempts at an apology. I found it frustrating.
‘Do you think I could maybe talk to Maddie on the phone in a few days? I really miss her.’
Mom and Dad looked at each other before Mom turned to me with a small nod. ‘That sounds like a good idea. She’s been missing you.’
For the rest of the visit we talked about general stuff. When we said goodbye, they told me they’d visit again in a couple of days and couldn’t wait until I was home, before more awkward hugging. I told them Denise could drop by tomorrow if she wanted.
After they left, I found myself thinking better of them than I had in a while. I was going to Shift into an all-bad situation tonight – when Dex was done with me I didn’t know what would happen. I hoped I would have the opportunity to set things right with my Roxbury parents.
For the rest of the day, the minutes dragged and raced all at once, my desperation to see Ethan building until it was almost unbearable. I needed to tell him about Dex, about what was happening to me. I needed to prepare myself for what was happening. Even though there was nothing I could do, I needed Ethan with me, holding me, telling me not to be scared. Where was he?
Night fell and Ethan still hadn’t come.
I sat in my chair, paced my room, and stuck my head into the hall when there was a crazy rush of phone calls and nurses running up and down the corridors. But no Ethan.
When Levi walked into my room at 10 p.m. I was bordering on hysterical. It took a moment to register who he was, since he was in plain clothes instead of his usual doctor’s coat.
‘Sabine.’ He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. ‘Sorry to disturb you, but I was in the clinic this evening and thought I’d pop my head in and apologise for missing our session today …’
I tried to keep my tone calm. ‘It’s okay. I figure I can just chat to Ethan tonight anyway. Is he here yet?’
Levi seemed taken aback. ‘Oh. Sabine, I’m … I’m awfully sorry … Ethan …’ He cleared his throat. ‘Ethan won’t be in tonight. Ah, would you like me to arrange someone else to visit you?’
‘No! Where’s Ethan?’ I snapped, pacing again. ‘Is there something going on?’
Levi rubbed his face again, like he’d just gotten out of bed. ‘He’s … Sabine, I’m sorry, but I have to get going. I’ll be in to see you in the morning.’
I started panicking, shaking my head. ‘Wait, I can’t … I need to speak to Ethan! Is he at work at all? Is he home? Where is he? Can I at least call him on the phone? Please. I promise he’d want to take my call.’
He shook his head. ‘Not tonight, Sabine.’
And he left me all alone, like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
I was breathless.
Petrified.
The worst Shift of my entire life was ahead of me and I was alone. I hadn’t anticipated, hadn’t even considered that he wouldn’t come back to me.
Because he wouldn’t do that.
Where was he? Something had to