the tests, everything backs up the theory.’ I glanced nervously at the clock and then stood, pacing a couple of times. ‘Not long till the Shift. Do you have anything for me tonight?’
He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. ‘Why do you care about convincing me if you’re just going to do it anyway?’
It was a complicated question, with an even more complicated answer. I stalled by reading the list. ‘Uskon sinua. Don’t suppose you want to give me a heads-up on what language that is?’
‘It’s Finnish,’ he answered, surprising me with the clue. ‘You haven’t answered my question.’
I folded the list and shrugged vaguely.
He didn’t let it drop. ‘I think it’s because you aren’t sure at all. I think there’s a part of you that wishes you could find a way to have both lives and make them work together.’
I started to get onto the bed, wanting my second-last Shift to be as smooth as possible. Ethan shuffled down the end, giving me room.
‘And I think you think too much,’ I mumbled.
At 11.45, I could feel the panic building, the blood draining from my face. Ethan’s words played on my mind, eroding my confidence. I needed to get him away from me. I didn’t want to be vulnerable tonight.
‘You want to know why? I just want to convince you so you’ll agree to give Maddie the letters I’ve written for her, since I know my parents won’t.’
I heard his gulp. I expected him to take the comment as the slap it was intended to be and storm out of the room, leaving me to Shift pathetically on my own.
The silence was broken when he finally started to move, the bedsprings squeaking. To my surprise, instead of getting off the bed, he lay down behind me and put his arm around me, steadying my trembling body.
‘I can see right through you, Sabine,’ he murmured in my ear, pulling me closer, his wintergreen fragrance enveloping me. My shivers remained, but the reason for them changed entirely.
No one had ever come this close to knowing me. If anyone could see through the layers, down to the real version of myself that even I didn’t know, it was Ethan.
‘I’m here. I won’t let go. As long as I’m here, I promise you, I won’t let go.’
My heart raced at both his words and his nearness, my body’s reaction conflicting with my still-angry and confused mind.
‘Ethan? What’s going on?’ I whispered.
He sighed and I felt his warm breath move around my exposed neck, as if it were claiming me. ‘There are things I want to tell you, things you need to know. But not yet. Please, Sabine, try to trust me when I say you need to make your decision thinking only of yourself. It didn’t come out right the other night. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.’
‘It was pretty clear.’
‘Then why am I here?’
I had absolutely no idea.
‘Just think about it. Keep thinking about this decision you’re making. Keep thinking about all the conversations we’ve had, all the things you’ve told me – how extraordinary your life is. In this world, Sabine. Don’t just think about how much better everything would be if you only had your other world, think about what you would miss if you didn’t have this world.’
‘Why Ethan? Why is it so important to you?’ ‘You said you wanted someone to know you. Maybe I just want to have someone know me too. Without you in this world, the memories of every moment we’ve shared together will be gone. We only exist because others see us. Part of my existence …’ he swallowed, ‘… an important part, only exists because you are here to see it.’
What he said was … beautiful. Earth-shatteringly, profoundly beautiful. And frightening. Totally and utterly terrifying.
I found myself half laughing to stop from crying. ‘You know everyone thinks I’m crazy. They think Wellesley is my imaginary world. I was thinking about it today, thinking that maybe they were right – maybe I am insane. But the thing is, who says it’s my Wellesley world that isn’t real? Maybe it’s this life that doesn’t exist.’
‘Is that your way of telling me I’m just a figment of your imagination?’
‘Maybe.’
‘That’s impossible, Sabine.’ His arm tightened around me. ‘If I were a creation of your mind, you’d never have made me this way, believe me.’ I opened my mouth to question him, but before I could speak he went on. ‘And anyway, some things