hand. Had I imagined it?
‘Thanks,’ I said, my voice breaking on the word.
He seemed taken aback. ‘For what?’
‘For taking away the restraints last night.’
‘Oh. How did that go for you? Midnight, I mean,’ he said, inching towards me on his chair.
I couldn’t help it, I laughed. I hated being played. ‘I know they told you, Ethan. I heard you all in here this morning.’
He shrugged. ‘I wondered if you were awake.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Whatever. Look, you clearly don’t like me and I don’t particularly have generous thoughts towards you.’
He grinned at that, which only irritated me more.
‘Let’s just bottom line it and save ourselves all the drama. There’s nothing you can do or say that’s going to “fix” me,’ I added the finger quote marks for emphasis, ‘and I have nothing to say to you that you’re going to be able to get your head around. So why don’t you just fill in your charts, say whatever it is you need to say to not get in trouble, and go back to your coffee lounge or wherever it is that you would rather be.’
Ethan watched me, unperturbed. He paused as if contemplating everything I’d just said. I braced for the comeback.
But he just stood up and said, ‘Okay, then,’ before heading straight out the door, closing it behind him.
What?
I had so not been expecting that.
Suddenly I was alone again. I couldn’t understand why I felt so terrible. I did not care what Ethan thought of me, or about spending time with him. I definitely didn’t need to have him know the truth about my life, lives, whatever. And yet … I couldn’t stop watching the door, waiting to see if he would come back.
Every so often I heard him walking up and down the hall, opening and closing doors. Room checks. After it had been quiet for a while, I gave up expecting a return visit. At what I thought must be close to 11 p.m., I decided to drink the first half of my concoction.
I almost spat out the first mouthful. It was offensively bitter – the flavour inundating my taste buds and making me gag. Somehow, I managed to keep that mouthful and subsequent ones down, wishing the whole time I had something to chase it with to take the edge off.
After drinking half the mixture I waited a while to make sure it would stay down, then finished off the rest and slipped the empty bottle under my pillow. Just as I righted myself in bed again, Ethan reappeared.
‘Not tired?’ he asked, walking towards me.
‘Waiting,’ I said without thinking.
‘For what?’
I shrugged. ‘A better life.’
He threw me an odd look.
‘So what’s your deal anyway? I never see you in a uniform. Are you really a nurse, or are you a student?’
He must have seen it as an invitation because he repositioned himself in the chair. ‘I’m a qualified nurse and med … I was a med student. Now I work nights here.’
‘To pay the bills,’ I said, repeating what I’d heard him tell Mitch. He didn’t miss it and smiled. I bit down on the return smile that threatened my lips.
I guessed he must have had some big bills to pay if he’d dropped out of med school.
‘Something like that.’ He shrugged. ‘Anyway, I like it. I’m a night person. How about you?’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Smooth.’
He laughed and the sound filled the room. An easy, liquid sound that moved its way right through me. When he finished, he looked at me closely, tilting his head.
‘You said last night that you would tell me, if I truly wanted to know.’ He leaned forward, elbows on his knees.
‘That was then. Things have changed.’
‘Ah.’
‘What does that mean?’ I replied sharply.
‘It sounds like you’ve given up on the world.’
I sat up a little, noticing that the lighting in the room seemed different. I crossed my arms. ‘Not on the world – on people. And I get that that makes me sound insane, but you have no idea what my lives have been like.’
‘So tell me,’ he said, not missing a beat.
‘Why?’ I answered softly. ‘It doesn’t matter anymore.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Do you prefer your other life?’
I looked at him, trying to figure out his angle.
‘I guess things are pretty good there,’ he went on.
‘No. Actually things are hard there too.’
‘Do you have a sister there as well? What’s your sister’s name here?’
I narrowed my eyes. ‘Maddie,’ I said, unable to hold off the pang of guilt. She was hands