hands over the arm rail. “Your back is now going to become your priority, and with the injury you have, I would encourage you to take care of it, not risk its health by doing foolish things that would jeopardize your mobility. Your range of motion will be different; your posture will more than likely change. And as for your pain, it will certainly subside—you’re experiencing the worst of it now. But will you ever live pain-free?” She paused, and I saw the answer before she said it. “Probably not.” She moved the pillow a little, making sure my head had the right placement. “You have a long road ahead of you. It’s not going to be easy; you’re going to have to push yourself like you never have. So, to be straight up with you, no, you’re not going to be the same person you were before.”
An ache burrowed into my chest, like it was digging a fucking grave. “I’m envisioning a person I don’t even recognize.”
“Maybe you’ll like him more than the man you are now.”
The anger was back, bubbling away, making me want to lift the basin and throw it across the room.
“Caleb, I see a tremendous amount of fight in you. Not just in your body, but also in there.” Her finger came close to my heart but didn’t touch my skin. “I know you have the strength to do this.”
As she began to dry me with a towel, I stared at the ceiling, the truth of her response settling in. Aside from work, every activity I participated in was physical. Now, there was nothing but limitations that I hadn’t even begun to calculate.
She squirted lotion onto her palms and rubbed them across my chest. “I know your mind is racing; you’re thinking about your future and playing every scenario, but I want you to just think about tonight. Focus on controlling your pain and getting some rest.” She moved to my arms and legs before sliding a new pair of compression socks on me. “Your healing will be day by day. No stressing about tomorrow or next week or what things will look like come winter. Just today.”
My arms went through the holes of a clean gown.
“Every morning, you’ll wake up with a new goal, and at night, you’ll go to bed with that milestone accomplished.”
Once the covering was pulled up to my neck, she set her hand on top of mine. I stared into the deep brown, each inhale as though the wind were slapping against me.
“Don’t mourn that man; he’s not gone, nor is he a stranger. He’s just going to be a little different now.”
A ringing came from her pocket, and she took out the phone to look at the screen.
“You have to go,” I said, surprised by my response and disappointed when she nodded. “Will you be back?”
I didn’t know why I was asking. I only knew I wasn’t ready for the blanket to be ripped away.
She collected the lotion and basin into her arms. “Rebecca is your assigned nurse, and she’ll continue taking care of you until her shift ends. Although shifts have been a bit of a mess these past two days.”
“I’d like to switch nurses.”
She held my eyes for a second longer and then went into the bathroom. When she returned, her hands were free. “Has Rebecca done something wrong?”
“She’s not you.”
She stood by the arm rail once again, and her hands wrapped around it. “How about I promise to check on you as much as I can?” Her phone began to ring. After she read the message, she continued to hold the device. “I’ve worked with Rebecca for a long time. I promise she’s wonderful, just give her a chance to prove it.” A smile moved across her lips, teeth that were perfect enough. “Feeling better?”
“Yes.”
Her grin grew. “That makes me the happiest.” She touched my shoulder, leaving her fingers there. “Remember, clear your head and rest—those are tonight’s goals.”
The light then switched off, turning the brown to a deep black, the sound of her scrubs swishing as she left.
Her wind and silence were the only things that remained.
Four
“It’s time to discuss your aftercare,” the social worker said as she stood next to my bed, several pamphlets and folders in her hands.
My mother was on my other side, holding a notebook and pen, taking notes I couldn’t even begin to process.
“Even though you’re still a few days from being discharged, you’re going to need to make a