never left.
The rod caused the rest of my body to stiffen, my ass ached, and there was a fire in my legs that wouldn’t dull, a numbness from my knees down.
Nighttime made it worse.
When the lights were off, the hallway kept my room barely aglow, and I heard shoes squeaking by every few seconds, a flash of blue each time. I wanted to crawl out of my fucking skin.
Skin that didn’t even feel like my own anymore.
When I couldn’t take another second, I reached for the intercom attached to the bed and pressed the call button.
“Can I help you?” a woman said through the speaker.
“I need my nurse.”
“I’ll let her know. She’ll be there as soon as possible,” she said and then disconnected the call.
Each time the rubber soles got louder, a pang of hope filled my chest that my nurse would soon hit something on the IV and the agony would be gone for a little while. But each time, the sound continued past my room, never stopping in here.
Stillness wasn’t something I’d practiced before my injury. Now, lying in this bed, I thought of nothing but my future, fearing what it was going to look like. If it was going to be spent on my back, attached to a goddamn mattress, constantly screaming out in pain.
I took risks for a living, gambling my clients’ money as their financial advisor, living a lifestyle that was more active than anyone I knew.
I wasn’t afraid of anything.
Until this.
Until even the smallest shift came with a debilitating amount of torture.
“Hi,” a woman said from my doorway, breaking me of my thoughts. “Your nurse is helping another patient, but I have a free second. Is there something I can help you with?”
She came in, checking the machines as though she could find the answer there.
I looked toward the window, squeezing the blanket in my fists. “You can go get her—that’s what you can do.”
There was pressure on the back of my pillow as she tried to move it. “Lift your head for me.”
“I’d rather not.”
“I can tell your neck is bothering you, and I can give you some relief.”
There was a calmness to her voice, a tone I hadn’t heard the whole time I’d been in this room, enough that it made me raise my head. She immediately cupped the back with her hand, taking the weight off my neck while she adjusted things.
“How’s that?” she asked as she set me back down.
The ache in my head was suddenly gone. “Better.”
“What else can I do?”
When I didn’t answer, she began pressing the buttons on the bed, lifting my upper body a few inches, doing the same to the bottom so my legs were now raised a little higher.
“This position will take some of the pressure off your lower back.”
The difference was small but enough to notice.
“You’re absolutely miserable, aren’t you?”
I sighed, the pain only allowing me to release so much. “You have no fucking idea.” The reminder was there again when I inhaled, stabbing me with a kitchen full of knives. “I can’t take this anymore.” I hugged my hands around my thigh, hoping the pressure would alleviate some of the electricity. “They’ll pump me with meds, allowing me to pass out, but then I’m awake less than an hour later, the gnawing even more intense than before. You have to do something. I’m losing my fucking mind here.”
She pulled something out of her pocket and held it up to her ear. “Hey, it’s Whitney. Can you please let Rebecca know I’m helping her patient in room 614 and then tell my CNA to please check on mine? Thank you.”
The phone went back in her pocket, and then her hand was on mine. “Just give me a few seconds. I promise I’m going to make you feel better.”
She was quickly moving around, grabbing things off the counter before she disappeared into the bathroom. The doorway lit up when she flipped on the light, the sound of water filling the quietness. When she returned, she placed a basin on the table next to me.
“Unless that’s filled with something that’s going to numb me, you might as well stop now. I don’t give a shit if I smell.”
She dropped a washcloth into the water. “You’re going to have to trust me. Can you do that?”
My jaw tightened, my nostrils flaring as I exhaled; these excruciating sensations made me the angriest son of a bitch.
“I’ll take silence over telling me to fuck off,” she said, and