So that patch of cool sand, ready to warm in the day’s sun, was a place that meant more to me than just a spot beside the water. It had been my safe haven when I was younger. A place where I could be quiet and reflect as I matured. And maybe the last place I was truly happy, wrapped in a blanket with a guy I’d met in college who had always accepted me for who I was because, in some ways, he was even wilder.
It was also the place I had come to when I was grieving and then again when I was ready to stop.
I had a very complicated relationship with that sandy spot of oceanfront real estate. But at least while I was there, I could stop pretending.
After I’d spread my blanket out and kicked the flimsy shoes off my feet, I planted my ass on the ground and waited. I never believed in the bullshit of meditation, but as I watched the sun paint the horizon heart-stopping shades of orange and purple, I wondered if that wasn’t what I’d done there so many times all along.
I rolled my eyes at myself.
Could you be any more melodramatic, Lex?
Then again, if I had to be caught up in my emotions, that blanket at that hour was the best place for me. There, I could safely unpack the jumbled chaos in my brain. And right then as I dug my toes into the sand, at the forefront of my thoughts was Hudson.
Okay. More specifically, it was me trying to figure out why Hudson was suddenly at the forefront of my thoughts. I couldn’t quite figure out if I was just lonely or if maybe I was having actual feelings for him. Which, let’s be honest, was just ridiculous. He was my brother’s best friend. Hell, he was one of my best and only friends. The father of a kid I looked at like a nephew. A man my parents called son. A guy who was a huge part of our family.
Was it terrible that, over the past few weeks—and dates—I’d not only not found anyone I was interested in, but I’d had to face the notion that I was slightly interested in Hudson? Because none of them measured up to him.
That was all I needed. Another man who was out of my reach. All right, that was super dramatic. Hudson wasn’t dead, just… I didn’t even know.
Not for me?
Out of my league?
Too important to lose?
If the feelings I was having ended up being real, there was little chance he’d reciprocate them. Then what?
There was only one thing for me to do. I’d have to wait it out, let it pass on its own. How long that would take, I had no clue.
What I did know was time couldn’t pass soon enough. The untimely flashes of attraction, the probably imaginary tension I’d been feeling, the way my body reacted to his touch, and how my heart raced lately when he texted or called or said my name out loud were almost too much.
It was totally fucking annoying and completely fucking unexpected. I didn’t want to feel like that.
I wanted everything to go back to normal. Deep down, with as much as things were changing and as fast, I knew our small group would never be normal again.
So, as I’d done many, many times before, I focused on the horizon and wished my troubles away.
I wasn’t insane, and it didn’t always work, but somehow, I usually felt better. There was only so long I could stand hiding from things, and even if I only revealed them to the ocean and the dawn, surely some of the weight would be off my shoulders.
And after an hour, when the sun was finally rising into the sky, I’d convinced myself I was done with the untimely and weird attraction I had to Hudson. It simply wasn’t a thing.
A few minutes later, I was gobsmacked with how fucking delusional that conclusion had been, because hearing only three words from him proved that nothing had gone away or changed.
“There you are,” he crooned, stepping off the boardwalk from the house. “I was sure I’d find you down here.” Wearing his trunks and a henley, barefoot, he kicked his way through the white sand to me.
“Busted,” I said, holding my hands up, not feeling quiet as spry as I usually came off. But shit, it was still early and I hadn’t had any coffee. There were