must be writing. The mood has been calm and peaceful around here lately.
And empty.
Silver’s absence makes this place feel like a fucking cemetery.
What’s wrong with me? I’m supposed to see her as my chaos, but now she’s the reason behind the calm?
She’ll come back, though. I’ll get rid of Aiden and anything that keeps her away from me until she has no choice but to run back into my arms.
When I was reading on the history of Europe, I had a small fascination with Hispania — modern-day Spain and Portugal. One story has remained with me. During the Muslim caliphate conquest of Hispania during the eighth century, there was this Berber leader who sailed a small army from the North of Africa to Gibraltar, which is now named after him. His men were scared because they were greatly outnumbered.
What did he do?
He burnt all their ships and told them the famous line, ‘The enemy is in front of you. The sea is behind you.’
He gave them no choice but to fight. Not only did they fight, they also won and ruled Hispania for over seven centuries.
That’s what I’ll do to Silver. I’ll burn her ships so she has no choice but to fall back into me.
To be mine for seven fucking centuries — or whatever is close to that in human years.
I prepare Mum’s favourite jasmine tea and take it to her office that she had made up as soon as we moved in here. Mum has always needed her space to write. If anyone interrupts her, she loses her train of thoughts and might never go back to that ‘zone’.
Instead of knocking, I slowly open the door, planning to put the drink on the table and leave.
Mum stands in front of her board, scribbling what seems like ideas. They always look like another chaos to me. Words scattered all around with no apparent purpose or meaning. How she manages to put them into something coherent afterwards still escapes me.
However, Mum is an artist and no one is meant to understand them. She says even artists find trouble understanding themselves sometimes.
I place the cup on the table and plan to leave without disturbing her, but she turns around and smiles. “Darling, you’re home.”
“I brought you some tea.” I motion at the board. “When can I read it, Mum?”
“Not yet.”
“I thought I had the perks of being the son and getting to read early.” There’s a lot of buzz going on about Mum’s upcoming book, and like any of her other fans, I can’t wait to get my hands on the masterpiece. Mum has a way of titillating the human mind without romanticising it. I fell for her writing since the time I stole her first book and read it in Aiden’s house.
She laughs. “Fine. I’ll give you a copy the same time I send it to my agent. Happy?”
“Yes. Now, have you eaten?” Mum forgets her pills and her meals when she’s on a tight deadline, and I have to constantly remind her of them. Silver has been taking on that role, too.
Mum’s had insomnia lately, but that’s only because she’s been writing. She always seems to backpedal a little when she’s on a deadline. Her therapist told me it’s nothing to worry about, because she’s stressed and will eventually go back to normal once she makes sure she’s met her deadline.
“I have.” She comes close and pats my cheek. “Look at my little boy grown into a man. Have I told you I’m proud of you today?”
“You just did.”
“Where’s Silver?” She stares behind me. “I was planning to make some lasagne for dinner.”
“She told Sebastian she’s staying with her mum.” I grin. “Let’s make it a date for two?”
Her expression falls since she’s all about family gatherings, but then she smiles again. “Absolutely.”
I’m about to leave her be, but I stop at the door and turn around. “Mum?”
“Yeah?” She glances at me over her shoulder.
“Are you happy? With Sebastian, I mean.” I would say yes. He’s attentive and gives her the space she needs, but the devil in me wants her answer to be ‘no’ so bad, it’s disgusting.
“Why, of course.” Her face breaks into another warm, gutting smile. “I finally have the family I’ve dreamt of.”
“I’m happy for you, Mum.” I’m not.
Yes, I want Mum to smile more, and she has since we moved in here, but now I’m starting to have regrets.
I’m starting to think, what if I hadn’t agreed when she first told me about Sebastian?