pool as if I’m that small kid.
I still wonder why I extended a hand to get him out.
Why I didn’t want him to drown, even though he deserved it.
I still wonder why I didn’t scream and yell and cry when I couldn’t reach him. When he floated in the bloody water. Why did I turn around and leave? That’s not how kids my age should respond to seeing their father drowning in his own blood.
I should’ve gone to Mum. I should’ve at least had a reaction.
I didn’t.
It was…nothingness. It’s there, but you don’t feel it, see it, or smell it.
Slender arms wrap around my waist from behind. Her flowery perfume envelops me as her pale, manicured hands grab each other at my stomach.
For a second, I close my eyes and cut my connection with the bloody water.
Silver is my chaos. She’s the first person I saw after all that blood, and for that reason alone, she’s associated with it.
She’s not supposed to be my calm. And yet, when her head falls on my back and her warmth mingles with mine, I realise she’s the only calm I’ve ever had in my life. Even books don’t compare — and that says something.
Silver is the beauty and the ugliness.
The calm and the chaos.
“How did you get in?” I don’t attempt to face her.
“I asked Helen for the code. I figured you’d come back home for the anniversary.” Her voice catches. “I wanted to tell you this at the funeral, but you were being mean, so I didn’t.”
“Tell me what?”
“I’m so sorry for your loss, Cole. You were too young to lose a parent.”
“Or maybe I was old enough to realise it’s better I lost that parent.”
She lifts her head from my back but doesn’t release me. “What do you mean?”
“My father was abusive. He hit me and Mum, especially Mum, whenever he was drunk.”
“Oh. I didn’t know that.”
“No one did. Mum and I are great actors.” I don’t know why I’m telling her this — her, of all people. It must be because it’s a wrong fucking day. I get weird on wrong days.
“I don’t think you wanted him dead, though.” Her voice softens.
“Maybe I did.”
“If you did, you wouldn’t come to stand here on every anniversary.”
“How do you know that?”
Silence. Her hands tighten around me, but she doesn’t answer.
I untangle them and spin around to face her. “You’ve been watching me?”
She’s staring at the ground, kicking imaginary pebbles. “Maybe.”
I lift her chin with two fingers until her huge blue eyes are trapped with mine. “What makes you think I come here to pay tribute? Maybe it’s because I feel guilty.”
“It doesn’t look like guilt.” Her voice is gentle, emotional. “It looks like you want to grieve but can’t. It was the same at the funeral, right?”
I have no words to say, so I remain quiet, letting her interpretation soak in. How could she know me so well?
“It’s a black day to me, too, Cole. My parents decided to split up on this day ten years ago. People say it gets better, but it never has. I still feel that loss and it hurts, but I grieved. Why don’t you try it?”
How can you try something you’ve never felt? I don’t even know what grief means.
A crazy idea hits me and I voice it before thinking about it. “Jump with me, Butterfly.”
“Jump with you where?”
“In the pool.”
“Now?” She stares between me and the water. “But it’s freezing.”
“Are you a coward?”
“No.”
“Then do it.”
“Fine —”
Before she can finish her reply, I grab her by the arm and we both jump. The splash of the water mixes with Silver’s gasp before we go under.
Down…
In blood.
The water is blood.
Red engulfs me in his clutches. A black hand pulls at my ankle, yanking me to the bottom. I don’t fight it. I can’t. If I do, he won’t let me go. If I do, he’ll just grab me tighter. He’ll tell me I’m a monster and that I should —
Two hands touch my cheeks — soft, tender hands — and guide me to the surface.
Silver.
Her golden hair is wet, sticking to her temples, and her frantic, bright eyes search mine. Her palms are still around my cheeks as her body moulds to mine under the water. Only our heads are on the surface level.
The water’s still bloody, but it’s slowly returning to that blue colour. There’s no hand pulling me under into nowhere.
“What is wrong with you? You scared the shit out of me, Cole.” She pants.