the folks in the Trash Heap don’t like doing nothing much. That Bugsy went off to Egypt to write on his computer—and it wasn’t ’cause I was eating his bugs neither, don’t you believe that, I wasn’t even hardly here yet when he left. And Drummer Boy had just hardly got here when he got all angry and went off. Not me, though. My uncle Rayford raised me not to complain or carry on. It’s not like I got anything to complain about anyway. I know I was blessed even before God gave me my special gift, inscrutable as His will in that might be, being as my gift is to turn into a giant toad and all. Perhaps that’s to show how the humble shall be exalted, like the Good Book says.
But, Lord, it is a trial around here sometimes. I never seen so many unhappy people in my whole entire life. You’d reckon folks with powers most people could only dream of’d be grateful for them. Sorry. Won’t go namin’ names. If I can’t find nothing nice to say about a body, that’s what I say. I mean—that is, I don’t say nothin’. Y’all know who you are.
Anyways, they all seem pretty decent, deep down in their hearts. Must be boredom and the stress everybody’s been under. They tell us all to work together to do good, which seems about right to me. But then they set it up so’s we gotta go against each other all the time to stay on the show. Don’t make no sense to me. But it’s their money and their show, I reckon.
Umm, I’m supposed to talk about this week’s challenge. Y’all know they’re down to two teams now, Reds and Blacks. I don’t mean to brag but I figured Black to win all along, what with the Candle and that cute little Dragon Girl with all them toys and Rosa Loteria and my old teammate Jade Blossom. Sure, Red Team, they was smart. But I reckon they went and outsmarted themselves on that one. Old Jamal and Tiffani were mighty brave, climbing up the rolly coaster like that. But they’d burned up all this time trying to get everything just right. Doin’ anything now’s a sight better’n doing the right thing too late, Uncle Rayford always says.
That little Rachel, she’s sure a handful. The way she had that big old squid thing climb the Ferris wheel and save them hostages, that showed me plenty. Even if the stunt guys playing hostages kinda took on after, like the one I rescued from that building with my tongue. I don’t know I hold with putting a little girl like that in some o’ these situations—they seem mighty dangerous, despite all the safeguards. But if I was a betting man—and I ain’t, Uncle Rayford, so don’t you go getting all worked up when you see this on the satellite—but if I was, I don’t reckon I’d bet a old used bottle cap against her goin’ all the way.
Uh, I guess now they want me to talk about, like, romance and stuff. I’m not much of a ladies’ man myself. I mean, I like ’em, don’t get me wrong—ladies, I mean. I just—well, y’all can probably tell talking ain’t my strong suit to start with. Get me around a lady, ’specially a pretty one, and my tongue just ties itself up in knots. And y’all can see how serious that’d be. I tried talking some in Spanish with Earth Witch now that she’s got bounced. I got me some Spanish from the Cuban folks back home, but it must be a different Spanish from the kind Ana talks, cause she just looked at me funny, like she didn’t know what I was saying.
That skater girl, Emily, she been hanging out some with that man from the network, the one with all the nice suits. She says he’s going to put her in another teevee show, and this time she’ll be the star. Old Joe Twitch is mighty put out about that. He says Emily would be better with him, ’cause they’re the only two who can keep up with each other. Some of the women say unkind things about Joe, think he’s kind of creepy. Joe don’t seem to care much what other people think, though. At least the ones in the Trash Heap here.
You wanted kissy-face stuff. Well, since there’s cameras everywhere anyway, you can see for yourself how some of the prettier gals