more of a Hustler type. Forget Dragon Girl, too young, or Holy Roller, fatty. They’re only around to keep the kids and Bible-thumpers watching. Nope, this is America the Beautiful, and our heroes have to look the part.
Curveball, pick Curveball. I would.
Not that the women around here will give me the [bleep]ing time of day. I figured Blrr would be kind of simpatico with me, but the bitch acts like I’ve got leprosy, or something. Even made a crack about how a man who’s fast isn’t a dream come true, or something. I’m going to steal her skates and toss them in the trash.
The other women around here look at me like something they just scraped off the bottom of their shoe. They might as well all be dykes. Bubbles at least has the excuse of actually being one. One more dirty look or nasty crack and I’ll . . . just play it cool.
I won’t forget, though, and someday the worm could turn. They’ll learn sooner or later that looks aren’t everything, unless you’re a woman, of course.
Guess I sound bitter, huh? Well, I was when I got voted off, who wouldn’t be, first week and all. Still, it’s a pretty sweet deal here. Living in a crib like this is easy to get used to. I mean, good food, people taking care of you, what’s not to like? The setup was better early on, though, when there weren’t so many of us. Back then, there was plenty of space to bounce around in without running into someone else. Now our Discard dorm is getting packed, although it’s almost worth it to watch the new rejects coming in with that hangdog expression on their faces. Like any of them had a problem giving us early-rounders the boot.
Bug Boy is the only one who left. He was annoying, creepier even than me, but I got used to him. Now he’s in Egypt, for Christ’s sake. Yes, Mom, I know swearing will send you to hell. Whatever, I got to give him and the gofer props, that German dude, too, for doing what they’re doing. Not many people take a stand for us jokers.
By the way, those of you who send emails and letters, I read them all. I’ve got one here, from Jason Carlisle, that says, “Ha-ha, Joe, you got voted off because you’re ugly. You deserved it, lol. Stuntman pwns you.”
Now, Jason, I’m sure your parents would smack you upside the head for being such a little twerp. And I sure don’t think they’d appreciate you including your home address on the envelope, right here. Now that he knows where you live, Joe can pull all kinds of tricks on you. Won’t that be fun?
Just kidding, boys and girls, I don’t mess with kids. Much. Guess it’s time to get back to the life of leisure. It’s a dirty job, but . . . Ah, you know better, it’s one hell of a job.
Confessional: Haley Mok aka Jade Blossom
The Red Team rocks! I loved stopping that damned Humvee! I can weigh a ton [laughing] and still be my gorgeous, willowy self! Ooh, shouldn’t I say that? [giggling] Well, it’s true!
Okay, well, granted, I was kinda hoping the reshuffle would keep me and Stuntman apart, and I don’t need that Tiffani [bleep] around me, either. But we got the job done. I could have been real happy teamed up with Drummer Boy.
I know, I know. People want to know what happened with Stuntman and me. They give me that look, like, “Say something!” But it’s not their goddamn [bleep]ing business.
The big thing is, I’m on the Red Team and we hadn’t all worked together before, but it was so cool! I helped stop the [bleep]ing Humvee and then I slipped inside to take over the target, Digger Downs, a judge! Me! And that’s just as it should be.
I didn’t know who to hate more, Tiffani or Stuntman. Then when they got into it, that was so [bleep]ing cool, too! ’Cause they can [bleep]ing have each other to fight with. I’m above all that, you know? And besides, I still could have done more! When Rosa turned into an archer and started shooting arrows everywhere, I changed right to granite density to be safe. So I was just walking right toward her, you know, but I’m real slow in that condition. I weigh so much I can hardly move at all. But nobody noticed! What kind of teammates are they? They