attitude. But what good’s all that stuff against a fire? Especially when everybody starts arguing. What were we supposed to do? It’s so not fair. I can’t run into a fire. I’m just so lucky that Bugsy’s a jerk.
Actually, the real reason Bugsy got voted off is because DB talked everyone into it. Like I said, I’m lucky the Big Guy picked him to kick out instead of me. I’m keeping that in mind. I have a plan like that. I just have to get on everyone’s good side. I have to make sure I’m not an asshole or a jerk, or maybe if I volunteer to do all the cooking, the other guys will have a reason to keep me around.
Because all I can really do is stand around looking cute. I can be cute—you wouldn’t think it, but some chicks totally go for the fox tail. Don’t tell anyone, but I actually shampoo it to keep it soft. Though I have to be really careful. Sometimes it seems to have a mind of its own, like if I’m sitting next to a girl, or walking with her, or something, and I’m having a good time, it’ll slip up behind her and get under her shirt. Not every girl goes for that.
Anyway. Yeah. I also do illusions. They’re badass. This one time at school I made myself look like Samantha Cho and hung out in the locker room after volleyball practice for like an hour. Oh, my God. Girls’ locker room. So hot. You have no idea.
But against a fire? Illusion’s not so great. And if we don’t do something like go up against bad guys or bank robbers or something I’m totally screwed.
My parents? They’re okay. I mean, they’re nice and all. But I’m not what they expected. I think they wanted some super-smart kid who goes to Cal Tech and becomes a rocket scientist or a doctor or something like all the other Japanese kids, like all their friends’ kids, and they got me instead. I kind of goofed off in school. I’m still goofing off in school. Took a leave of absence from UC Davis to do this and I may not go back. But you know, when you have a fox tail, people don’t expect a whole lot from you in the brains department.
My grandma is different, though. My whole life she’s been telling stories of kitsune and nogitsune, the fox spirits in Japan. They’re supposed to be super cool and powerful. I think my mom blames her for what happened to me, because she told me all those stories. But I have to thank her, because drawing the wild card, it could have been so much worse. What if she’d been into monster movies and made me watch too much Gamera? Then what would I have looked like? No, I think Grandma did okay by me. I mean, I’m almost an ace. She says it’s destiny. I don’t know about destiny—that might be just a way of making everyone feel better about a kid like me being a joker. But when she says I’m special I might as well believe her.
So I may not win the show, you know? Because I’m up against aces like Curveball and like I said she’s totally hard core. But this is a doorway. Like my grandma says, it’s destiny, and with this kind of doorway who knows what else I could do? I could get my own TV show. That’d be cool.
Confessional: Buford Calhoun aka Toad Man
—this here thing on?
My name is Buford Calhoun. The nice folks who run this show call me Toad Man. I guess if you’re watching this y’all know why. Hi, Uncle Rayford. I hope you’re watching out there. If not maybe Mama Luisa down to the bait shop’ll remember to TiVo it for you. You take care of yourself, now, remember to take your heart pills. Y’hear?
I wasn’t brung up to give myself airs. Reckon I got a right to feel proud about what us Clubs did, though. We rescued all ten of those poor victims! Hoo-ee. I’m about as happy as a ol’ bullfrog at a fly convention.
Let’s see now. That Stuntman, now, he’s pretty amazing. Brung out four victims all by his lonesome, just running in and out of that burning building like it was nothing. Even brought out a little bitty baby. Except it was just this little doll, had a voicebox inside her to make noises like a baby.