group of people to [bleep] on.
No, the oppression I feel is that of a fairly smart man—not the smartest, but well above average—in a world of idiots! I mean, look at this American Hero crap. Look at the challenges. Look at the rules. Look at the contestants. It wasn’t bad enough drawing a wild card to [bleep] up your life, it had to make you stupid, too?
Rustbelt. I doubt he could spell “nat” if you gave him the “N” and the “T.” That was one dumb young man. A total hoser.
Toad—gotta love the Toad. Just don’t shake hands with him. Or expect him to have the vaguest [bleep]ing idea what’s going on two feet over his warty green noggin. You’d have to add his IQ to Belt’s, then throw in bonus points just to reach moron.
Spaz—sharp-looking dude, but seriously. The only video game expert in the world dumb enough to spend money rather than make it.
Even Roller. A great guy . . . I’m looking forward to visiting the Confederacy with him someday . . . but he actually believes the Earth was created six thousand years ago. I suppose he’d allow for Takis to be older, but come on . . .
And Jade Blossom. Sweet, but the only book she’s ever cracked open is Horton Hears a Who.
Yeah, yeah, if everyone saw this—if my father saw it—they would all be saying, “Jamal, you are just as dumb as everyone else, flapping your gums.” Isn’t that great? “Flapping your gums.” My grandmother used to say stuff like that.
But they aren’t going to see it until it’s too late.
I’ve got to like my chances, and not because the producer doesn’t want to see me go—I just think I’m smarter than this.
Watch me. You know you want to.
Week 7: How the Cards Fall
Week Seven Recap: Hero Soup
There’s more to being a hero than incredible powers, quick thinking, and teamwork. This week, American Hero tackles the other side of the equation: do our contestants have the heart it takes to be a hero?
The four teams were asked to volunteer at soup kitchens around Los Angeles. This wasn’t staged—these were in no way controlled situations, as the other challenges have been. The people our contestants helped today were real people in need of real help. Today, our players were real heroes.
Or were they?
Wild Fox’s pranks were the downfall of Team Hearts. The illusions were, as usual, invisible to the TV audience, but patrons of the kitchen were treated to visions of five-course gourmet meals. The luscious food reverted to simple soup kitchen fare when people took their first bites, much to their consternation. “I was just trying to lighten things up!” Wild Fox protested. Curveball’s temper got away from her when confronting the foxy joker. Chaos and toppled trays of food ensued. Earth Witch did her best to run interference, but she couldn’t get her teammates under control. In the end, the judges agreed that the team’s heart—no pun intended—was in the right place, but they weren’t focused on the task at hand.
Team Spades made a disappointing—yet no less entertaining—showing. Rosa Loteria took it upon herself to improve morale by running a Loteria game for the shelter’s clients. Cleopatra spent her time posing for the cameras on hand to cover the event—until a “wardrobe malfunction” involving a tube top disrupted the proceedings. Dragon Huntress could barely see over the counter where her teammates set her to work serving food. At least the Candle found a use for his power, as his yellow flames heated pots of soup and ensured patrons of the shelter received their meals piping hot, and his healing green flames cured various injuries and ailments. If only he could have inspired similar dedication in Rosa and Cleopatra.
On Team Diamonds, Drummer Boy had the common touch, a talent developed from dealing with thousands of Joker Plague fans. But as Topper observed, “You seemed more interested in handing out autographs than helping the kitchen staff. This is supposed to be about helping people who need it—not about your own glory.” Tiffani showed an admirable dedication to the work at hand, having a kind word for everyone she met, possibly because of her own less-than-affluent roots. Jetman hoped to find a way to use his ace powers here, constructing a series of machines designed to heat and serve food more efficiently. Too bad that when he left the area and someone else tried to use his ace-powered contraptions, the devices fell apart in a