Then go and ask Kate the same damn question, ’cause she was holding back too. She kept tossing those marbles between us, y’know. Not at me. Yeah, I could have had my human shields, but you think Kate doesn’t have good enough aim to find a crack between them? I’ve seen her hit a [bleep]ing keyhole with one of those marbles, and I’m a [bleep]ing big target—there would have been some part of me sticking out. And if she wanted, she could have put a [bleep]ing big hole in me.
Hell, most of the aces here are holding back, to some degree. You [bleep]ers out there watching this aren’t quite to the Roman Circus levels yet. A little blood, some bruises, maybe even a broken bone or so—you’re down with that. But real blood and gore? Death? Nah. Not yet. Maybe in the second or third season, when the ratings are down. [bleep]. Holding back? You better hope we’re holding back. That’s why this is all one big [bleep]ing joke, and if you people out there watching this [bleep] haven’t figured that out yet, you’re all a bunch of [bleep]holes whose IQ wouldn’t freeze water.
Oh, you want me to tone it down? See—even more holding back . . .
[a funk groove, with lots of heavy backbeat snare]
So, yeah. If I hadn’t held back, we could’ve won the challenge. Even with the group I’m stuck with. And because we didn’t, I’m out.
I ain’t gonna [bleep]ing cry about. In fact, a lot of me is happy. I called KA Cohen, our manager, a few weeks back and told him to start putting together a tour for Joker Plague, so that as soon as I was off this [bleep]ing show, we can get back to doing something I enjoy. So KA—hope you did your job, because it’s time to nail down those dates.
Before I go, though, let me rant a bit more. Anyone here think that the producers don’t already know who they want to win this and are setting things up to make it easy for that person? No, they can’t make the choices, but they can sure as hell influence things. Hell, that’s why I got moved over to the loser Diamond team a few weeks back, after all—’cause the producers wanted to break up the Hearts. I can tell you this, and you can take it any [bleep]ing way you want: it sure as [bleep] doesn’t make a person want to try very hard. It doesn’t make this person want to try very hard at all. That’s part of your “holding back” too.
Did I enjoy anything about the show? Well, yeah, there were some compensations, I guess. But you already know about those—all those cute little clips you’ve been showing as teasers all along. You guys are so [bleep]ing predictable. But hey, anything to titillate the public, huh? Sure, I’d been kinda tight with Rosa lately, actually—she’s not as loopy as I thought she was. It’s a bit like dating someone with multiple personalities: those cards, y’know. You never quite know who or what you’re gonna get. But there was a kinky little kick to that too, I gotta admit. I was all over that. Was? You noticed that, huh? The thing with Rosa was temporary, y’know. It was always temporary. And now that I’m a Discard . . . it’s over.
Kate? Yeah, I still like her. I like her a whole [bleep]ing lot, if you really want to know. I wish . . . well, it ain’t no good wishing to change the past, is it? And while it ain’t entirely my fault that is hasn’t quite worked out the way I’d like, I do know most of it’s on me, like I said before. It is, and I know it, and I gotta deal with it. I [bleep]ed up. Literally.
No, I ain’t given up on her and me. Not at all. That’s the team I’d really like to be on. That’s the team I wished I’d never been kicked off of.
So [bleep] it. I’m done here. I’m voted off. I’m gone.
See you on tour.
Confessional: Emily Paige aka Blrr
I’ve been like totally stuck in the Discard Pile for over a month now with not too much to do except sit around and play video games and eat pizza and snark about everyone still on the show. If I’d known it was going to be this so totally boring, I would have passed on the whole thing. Still, I’ve met some