happen eventually, I just didn’t know what to say. I practiced my apologies a thousand times, and yet it still didn’t feel like enough.
“I know Jules.”
“I’m so, so sorry,” I cried. “You’ve always been the one to see me—really see me. It was so easy to fall for you. And when you didn’t love me back, I just couldn’t handle the rejection,” I said while wiping my eyes of the silly little tears that fell.
Jacob pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to me. “I wish it could have been us, Jules. I wish I could have kissed you back and eased your loneliness, but I never saw you that way.”
I looked back up at the stars and their luminance. It was never meant to be, Jacob and I. He was just the person I clung to because there was no one else.
“I forgive you,” Jacob said in a sad voice.
The words were so freeing, yet still painful. I knew that despite his forgiveness, we’d never be the same. We’d never be the friends we once were. We’d never be able to look at one another and not think of my mistakes. We’d never be together. It was like someone started to dig up my heart’s grave. My heart was still dead and long forgotten. It just now had a little less dirt on its coffin.
We stayed in the Grove for a while longer before leaving. I silently thanked Gordon for finally taking me to the place of my dreams and gifting me with the opportunity to ask for Jacob’s forgiveness. After a brisk thirty-minute walk, we caught back up to Tallis, Gordon, and Cyler who were bickering just outside of camp.
“I’m just saying—be careful, Tallis. I know my sister better than anyone else. She’s cruel. This is the kind of stuff she thrives on. She loves the drama,” Cyler said and the words felt like frostbite on my soul. I clutched my stomach and noticed Cyler’s eyes flash to mine. He had the decency to look guilty, but it was too late. The words still hurt.
“We’re all mirrors, Cyler. We see in each other what we fail to recognize in ourselves. Maybe Jules is just showing you what you choose to see,” Tallis began while taking a step closer to Cyler. “What’s within her that you refuse to acknowledge in yourself?”
Cyler was stunned, silent. I took the opportunity to fully approach them. “It’s ok Tallis,” I said while placing a confident hand on his bare shoulder. I felt his scars beneath my touch, the groove of his skin comforting. “I don’t have the energy to pretend that Cyler’s opinions affect me today,” I said before letting go of Tallis.
I gripped Gordon’s hand and guided him to Nikketa’s tent. I wanted to turn back and demand to know what was so wrong with me. I wanted to crack Cyler’s opinions wide open. I felt reckless. Broken. I wanted to be someone worthy of Tallis’ defense. And yet, I pushed down the hurt, the relief, the anger. I found a comfortable spot on Nikketa’s floor, and Gordon and I fell asleep, both of us avoiding the disappointments of the day.
Chapter Thirteen
I woke up with a stiff neck and a pounding head. “Daskalos, it’s time to wake up,” Nikketa said while shaking my shoulder. She wafted a plate of food under my nose, and it smelled like my own mother’s cooking. My eyes opened just as my stomach growled.
“When was the last time you ate?” she asked with a click of her tongue. She was still wearing the floral-printed pajamas from last night. When I brought Gordon home, she wrapped me in a warm hug then hit him on the back of his head.
“I don’t know, maybe lunch yesterday?” I replied in a sleepy voice, rubbing my eyes. “What time is it?” I asked.
“It’s close to eleven,” Nikketa replied while shoving food in my face.
“Oh shit. I’ve got to go to the Gardens. Cyler is gonna kill me,” I said and stood up. I started feeling around for my boots on her tent floor. I rolled my neck, my bones cracking and popping from the movement.
“Oh no, you don’t. Tallis said you are to stay here and rest.” She rested a firm hand on my shoulder, guiding me to a chair.
“Good thing Tallis isn’t my keeper or my leader,” I mumbled, causing Nikketa to let out a hearty belly laugh. She crouched over and grabbed her stomach as if the