again with a shrug. "I care for you. But I'm here for answers. I need closure. I want to leave here feeling like my best friend isn't actually a complete stranger." The sound of water dripping on concrete filled the room while Josiah mulled over my words. Finally, and with much effort, he replied.
"I don’t think you’re going to like the answers I have to give you, Ash." I looked at Josiah and briefly mourned how toxic we were. I hated that, after all this time, I didn’t know the boy I once loved. Sometimes, I wondered if Josiah intentionally said things to hurt me, or if he simply didn't know any better.
"I'm not trying to hurt you, Josiah. I came here because you are one of my oldest friends and…"
"And what? There was a time that you loved me, Ash. You adored me. I know I'm a selfish ass, and I know I don't deserve you. But could you at least give the dying man some grace? Can you at least pretend like you love me back?"
I desperately wanted to give Josiah what he wanted. It hurt to see him this way, but I was no longer the girl willing to sacrifice her truth for another man.
"Josiah, I do love you. I just don't love you the way you want me to, not anymore. But I recently realized just how much you've protected me all these years." I never realized how awful the empire was until I was thrust outside the Stonewell doorstep. Although I fell in love and found luck in Dormas, the empire was still a cruel, cruel place.
"You have no idea how true that is, Ash," Josiah choked out cryptically. "Do you remember how Lackley would visit while Father was away? Mother made you stay in your room, right? I think I was eleven when I found out they were fucking. Thirteen when I realized how similar Lackley and I look. Eighteen when I realized I would lose my claim as Governor of Galla if word got out that I was a bastard. Lackley has children scattered all over the empire, I’d be a nobody if word got out."
I gasped while mentally cataloging Lackley’s and Josiah's features. Sharp nose. Strong jaw. Penetrating eyes. Then I considered Josiah's teetering personality. The way he sometimes could be sweet and then, other times, unrecognizable. He really was Lackley's son.
“She loved him, I think. She had an arranged marriage. Lackley was powerful, and she was impressionable. It’s easy to make people fall in love with you when they’re lonely,” Josiah joked, and I bristled.
Is that what he did with me? Preyed on my loneliness and made me fall in love?
"And Lackley loved knowing I was a dirty secret, and if I wanted to survive, I had to play by his rules. Then he wanted me to kill my..." Josiah drifted off, as if unsure what to say, "...father."
Master Stonewell Senior was stern. He had very high expectations for Josiah, which in turn put a lot of pressure on the young boy I knew. Linda Stonewell was sad, I couldn't quite pinpoint the source of her pain, but I had always sensed resentment between her and her husband. It all seemed to click now.
"I found out about Lackley's involvement with X accidentally. I just so happened to walk into his office as he was beating a man to death for blackmailing him." Josiah's hands shook as he spoke, and I looked up to Kemper who was leaning forward and taking in every word Josiah said.
"And you know what the worst part was? My mother was both the cause of that fucked up situation and the reason I kept staying. Men like Lackley encourage the vices of others so he can use their mistakes as leverage. Lackley knew my father would have killed her for committing adultery. So, he threatened Mother with publicizing their affair should we not cooperate. She could have lost everything. Her status. Her wealth. Maybe if it was just me, I would have left. But I couldn’t do that to her. It wasn't enough that Lackley knew I was a bastard—there was never any paternal love there. He made it his goal to manipulate me into his monster. At first, he just gave me small jobs. Serve threats. Silence people. Make documents disappear. But then? They gradually turned bigger, until finally, I was killing people. Not just Father, but anyone else that came between him and ruling the