gaze fell to the wriggling bundle in my arms.
“May I?” she asked, holding out her hands as she inched closer.
I released the breath I’d been holding, not realizing how much I wanted it until the possibility was right in front of me.
“Are you sure?” River hadn’t stopped crying, and I was fresh out of ideas. His diaper had been dry, and he kept spitting out the bottle and then the pacifier I tried to give him. I even swaddled him, but he kept on crying. I figured he was just cranky from having one of his many naps interrupted and had trouble falling back to sleep. When Four nodded, I smiled despite my headache. “I’d love that.”
Carefully, I handed him over and watched Four smile in awe as River slowly settled down. Of course, he stopped crying when there was a girl to impress. He stared up at her, his mouth forming an O and his eyes wide as if he couldn’t believe his eyes. If I didn’t know better, I’d say River was utterly enchanted with Four. A moment later, he made his scrunchy face, telling me he just shitted himself. I’d wait to break the news to Four once their little moment passed.
“So, is he why you’ve been avoiding me?” she asked as she and River watched each other. “Avoiding all of us?”
I looked away and then sighed, knowing the subject would come up sooner or later.
“Yes and no.” At her puzzled look, I decided to explain as best I could when no explanation could ever make up for how I’d acted. “A part of me was ashamed, and it wasn’t just because I’d gotten pregnant at eighteen.” My mouth opened and repeatedly closed, the words refusing to come until I forced them out. “I was ashamed because, despite Vaughn fucking my sister, I still wanted to have his baby. I still wanted him.” Disgusted, I looked away, discreetly wiping away my tears before they could fall. God, I’d been so stupid.
“And the other part?” she quietly demanded.
“Wanted to rebel against living in a world where I could never truly be free of Vaughn.” It wasn’t just River that I’d planned to give up but my friends, too. It was the only way I knew how to survive my broken heart.
“Since you were so honest, I guess I will be, too,” Four said after a long stretch of silence. For the first time since stepping in the room, she pried her gaze away from River, allowing me to see just how much I’d hurt her. “I was so mad at you when you pushed me away. I tried not to be, but I was. It felt like you were punishing me, punishing all of us, for what Vaughn did, I…I started to hate you. I convinced myself that since it was so easy for you to write me off that I could do the same to you.” I frowned at that because Four had never stopped reaching for me. Not even for a day. “The next morning, when I woke up in a cold sweat, I didn’t just miss you still. I understood you.” Four returned my hopeful look with a hard one of her own before saying, “If you repeat this to anyone, I’ll deny it and never talk to you again. I mean it.” When I made the motion of crossing my heart and slitting my own throat, she gave me the tiniest of smiles before shuddering. “That night I…I dreamt that was Ever in that room, not Vaughn. The worst part is that it wasn’t even Selena. It was Bee.”
My eyes nearly bugged out of my head at her admission. Ever would turn himself into a eunuch before he ever allowed himself to betray Four in that way. He proved as much last year when he defied fate by taking Four to prom instead of Bee. By doing so, he ended his fake-relationship pact with his best friend. “Four, you know—”
She quickly waved me off. “I know. It’s not about that. I know it sounds crazy, but I think my subconscious was willing to show me whatever I needed to put myself in your shoes. I wanted to understand you, and now I do.” She then offered me a crooked smile. “But you should know, it’s besties before testes. You broke the girl code, and I won’t forget it any time soon.”
I quickly held up a finger before she could continue. “I think the saying