responding. Vaughn had said much of the same during our first date. Back then, I was afraid of being hurt, so I pushed any chance of that happening away. I realize now there was a damn good reason for it.
Stupid.
“So, how’s the little guy?” Oliver inquired the moment I finished chewing.
“Still little,” I replied around the huge lump in my throat.
“But he’s strong like his mother.”
My gaze dropped to the table as I willed my tears not to come. They didn’t listen. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there fighting them back before I finally surrendered. Soon, it wasn’t the only thing pouring out of me, and I couldn’t stop once I started.
“I’m not strong,” I whispered. “And I’m not a mother.” I looked up then, not caring if Oliver or anyone else saw my tears or the fact that he was startled by the sudden change in my demeanor. “A mother would hold her baby. She wouldn’t be afraid to love him. She’d know she could and let no one stand in her way. She’d sing to him when he was afraid and feed him when he was hungry. And she wouldn’t lie.” I shook my head. Was it a warning to turn back now before I said more or an admission of the truth? I kept going. “She wouldn’t tell her son that she couldn’t keep him because it’s what’s best for him. She’d tell him the truth. She’d tell him she couldn’t keep him because she’s afraid of seeing his father whenever she looks at him. But then…a mother wouldn’t put her broken heart first, would she? She’d break it again and again just to see her son smile. I’m weak, Oliver, and it isn’t because my thorns are bent, and my petals have fallen. It’s because knowing doesn’t make a goddamn difference. I can’t do this.”
I didn’t stick around after I’d shocked Oliver into silence. I was pretty sure I’d finally managed to talk him out of wanting a date. No one in their right mind would want someone as screwed up and selfish as me.
As I slowly followed the path back to NICU, I contemplated running toward the exit instead. If I abandoned River now, how long would it be before I could stand the sight of myself? I hadn’t left his side since he was born, and I could barely manage to look in the mirror now. Hence my disheveled appearance. I was afraid of seeing the old Tyra Bradley and even more terrified of the new Tyra. Neither, as Vaughn had once claimed, was worth bleeding for.
I was still mulling over the steep cost of running away when I stepped onto the third floor and into complete chaos. Some inherent part of me had me rushing for River’s room, where I expected to see him sleeping soundly only to find him surrounded by doctors. Time seemed to slow as two of the frantic nurses shifted slightly, allowing me to see my baby’s tiny body lying still. So, so still.
River had stopped breathing.
“LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?”
Despite the overeager chick riding his cock, Antonov had found the time and willpower to taunt me. Had I not seen the girl’s license for myself, I’d question whether she was even legal. She was built like a fucking twelve-year-old and looked like one, too. She also moaned like she was auditioning for a part in a porno rather than interviewing for a position in my father’s stable. Shaking my head in disgust, I declined to answer.
Antonov smirked before slapping her bare ass and tossing her aside on the leather sofa next to him. “You’re hired,” he told her as he stuffed his hard dick back in his pants. Even though she was nineteen, she’d make my father a ton of money from the sick fucks with certain…proclivities.
Feeling like I might fucking puke, I hurried from the parlor room and through the front door of the five-bedroom house my father used for his stable. The black, tailored suit I wore kept me warm as I sucked in the cool air. Even though spring had started a couple of weeks ago, it was still pretty frigid up north. To make matters worse my father’s most profitable stable was right here in Blackwood Keep. The clientele, which included my damn uncle, the fucking mayor, was pretty exclusive.
Slowing my stride to my car, I watched as Antonov beelined for his vehicle and peeled off before dropping into my own ride. It