the sofa and ignored the warmth flooding my belly as I watched her remove River’s pacifier. They’d given it to him to encourage the sucking and swallowing reflexes he’d been born too early to develop. After setting it aside, she returned him to the incubator, and I exhaled my relief only to straighten in my seat when Nurse Honey sat next to me. River was now screaming, most likely from hunger, which made me wonder why she wasn’t preparing his feeding tube. As daunting as it sounded, the tube was a step up from the IV line they used when he was first born.
“Is everything okay?”
“Just fine,” she quickly assured me. And then with a gentle smile, she added, “Actually, I’d say everything is perfect. River is showing signs of being ready to be fed normally.”
I exhaled though I still felt tense. “So…what happens now?”
“That depends on how you’d like River to be fed.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you can choose to feed him by bottle or by your breast.”
I felt that wildness in my heart again as I ran my suddenly sweaty palms down my burgundy sweatpants bearing Harvard’s logo. So many questions and worries flitted through my mind. Was the natural choice to breastfeed him? What would Nurse Honey think if I chose the opposite? I’d accepted the fact that I wasn’t ready to be a mother, but that didn’t make me feel any less guilty.
“Wouldn’t he be safer being fed by a bottle?” I wanted to stand and pace but learned early on how aware River seemed to be of my moods.
“As long as the necessary reflexes have developed properly, either way is perfectly harmless. He’ll benefit most from the intimate contact required to feed him now that he’s ready to be fed by his mom.” Nurse Honey gave me a knowing look, and I realized with a gulp that she meant I’d have to hold him if I didn’t want him to starve to death.
“Oh.” I almost asked if there was someone else who could do it, but the last shred of respect I had for myself held me back.
“You don’t have to decide right now. We’ll continue with the tube feedings and nonnutritive sucking for a few more days to ensure he’s ready before giving it a shot.”
My sigh of relief was audible, causing her to gently pat my hand before standing and grabbing the breast milk I’d pumped and stored in the designated fridge the day before. Deciding that I needed to get a grip, I stood and made my way downstairs to the cafeteria. The food wasn’t as bad as I’d expected, but it still sucked. It didn’t matter, though, because my appetite was nonexistent. I just needed to escape.
Ten minutes later, I was sitting alone, nibbling on an apple when I felt someone approach. Peeking over my shoulder, I almost groaned, seeing Oliver looming over me with a mop and a smile. He was one of the janitors here and an insatiable flirt. I’d need my fingers and toes to count how many times he’d asked me out on a date.
“Looking good this morning,” he greeted when our gazes connected.
Snorting, I looked away. “You say that every morning even though we both know you’re full of shit.” My skin was dry enough to peel, my eyes were permanently swollen from too much crying, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d brushed my hair or even washed it. And even more tragic, my favorite sweatpants were becoming threadbare from overuse. “What’s the matter? Don’t think you can get a decent date, so you’re willing to settle for the damaged and desolate?”
Shaking his head, Oliver sat across from me as if he weren’t in the middle of his shift. He was sweet, funny, and hot as hell with his dark brown skin, black patch of chin hair, and an easy smile. He was only three years older than me, and I could tell, even under the bagginess of his navy-blue uniform, that he had an amazing body. One I was sure he’d gotten working part-time at his father’s scrapyard where he told me they recycled and sold car parts.
Still, I felt nothing.
Perhaps, I was doing him a favor. My soul and heart had already been irrevocably mated and shattered just as thoroughly.
“Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong,” he flirted. “You wouldn’t protect your heart so fiercely if there wasn’t still something worth saving.”
I took a huge bite out of my apple to keep from