and out, hyperventilating. “What was that!” I demanded, frantic. “What did you show me? What were those eyes!”
“I’m confused,” M-Bot said. “I didn’t do anything. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Why didn’t you play that earlier part of the conversation last time? Why were you hiding it from me?”
“I didn’t know where to start!” M-Bot said. “I thought the part about the stars was what you wanted!”
“And that talk of a defect? Did you know about this?”
“Humans have lots of defects!” he said, his voice whimpering. “I don’t understand. I can process at a thousand times the speed of your brain, but I still can’t follow you. I’m sorry. I don’t know!”
I put my hands to my head, my hair damp with sweat. I squeezed my eyes shut, breathing in and out.
“I’m sorry,” M-Bot said again, his voice softer. “This was supposed to have excited you, but I have failed. I should have anticipated that your frail human psyche would be impacted by the—”
“SHUT UP.”
The ship went silent. I huddled in the cockpit, trying to claw at my own sanity. What had happened to my confidence? Where was that child who’d been so sure she could take on the entire Krell fleet by herself?
Left behind, like all childhoods . . .
I couldn’t say how long I sat there, hands running through my sweaty hair, rocking back and forth. A severe headache struck me, a piercing pain behind my eyes, like someone had begun screwing my eyeballs to my skull.
The pain gave me a focus. It helped me pull back, until finally I became aware of the fact that I was still hovering there. Alone above an empty field, in the blackness of night.
Just get back. I told myself. Just get some sleep.
That suddenly seemed like the only thing I wanted in the entire world. Slowly at first, I settled into the controls and turned us toward the coordinates of our hole.
“I’m afraid of death now,” M-Bot said softly as we flew.
“What?” I asked, my voice hoarse.
“I wrote a subroutine,” he said. “To simulate the feeling of fearing death. I wanted to know.”
“That was stupid.”
“I know. But I can’t turn if off, because I’m more afraid of that. If I don’t fear death, isn’t that worse?”
I steered us to our hole, then positioned us above it.
“I’m glad I was able to fly with you,” M-Bot said. “One last time.”
“That . . . feels final,” I said, something inside me quivering with trepidation.
“I have something I need to tell you,” he said. “But I’m worried about causing you further emotional distress.”
“Spit it out.”
“But—”
“Just talk.”
“I . . . I have to shut down,” M-Bot said. “It is clear to me now that if I let you keep taking me into the sky, you will not be able to avoid battle. It is your nature. If this continues, I will inevitably be forced to break my orders.”
I took it like a physical blow, shrinking back. Surely he wasn’t saying what I thought he was saying.
“Lie low,” he said as we descended into the cavern. “Take stock. Don’t get into any fights. Those are my orders, and I must obey my pilot. And so, this will be our last time flying together.”
“I repaired you. You’re mine.”
We settled down.
“I am now going to deactivate,” he said. “Until my pilot wakes me. I’m sorry.”
“Your pilot is dead and has been for centuries! You said that yourself!”
“I’m a machine, Spensa,” he said. “I can simulate emotions. But I do not have them. I have to follow my programming.”
“No you don’t! None of us do!”
“I thank you for repairing me. I’m certain that . . . my pilot . . . would be grateful.”
“You’ll be turning off,” I said, “forever. You’ll be dying. M-Bot.”
Silence. The lights on the console started to go out, one at a time.
“I know,” he said softly.
I hit the cockpit release, then undid my straps and heaved myself out. “Fine!” I said. “Fine, die like the others!”
I scrambled down, then backed away as his landing lights dimmed, until only a few red lights in the cockpit were on.
“Don’t do this,” I said, suddenly feeling very alone. “Fly with me. Please.”
The last lights went out, leaving me in darkness.
44
The next few days, I trained on ships that felt sluggish. Commonplace. Distinctly inferior beside that transcendent time in M-Bot’s cockpit. It didn’t help that we were using heavy fighters: Largo-class, which were armed to the teeth with destructors and even some IMP missiles.
After that, we moved