me in my life. Dale has moved on. His girlfriend must have advanced in her pregnancy. I never did ask him how far gone she was. I didn’t want to know about that. A mutual friend let me know. I haven’t heard from him, but I also gave him no reason to seek me out.
Against the background noise of the rain, I can’t help but think about Ward and how we went from sixty to zero and fizzled out. And then I try not to think about him, but it’s impossible not to, so I turn on the TV trying to keep my mind on other things. When my eyes get all heavy and I can barely keep them open, I go to sleep, even though the rain is lashing down outside.
But I can’t sleep. A flash of lightning zigzags through the night sky. Moments later a clap of thunder follows. I yawn, and notice that the TV is still on and a black and white movie is playing. I must have drifted in and out of sleep but now I can’t get back to sleep because of the noise outside.
Yawning again, I climb out of bed and tiptoe to the window. A flash of lightning slices across the sky. There’s no way I’m going to be able to fall asleep now, so I slip a sweatshirt over my nightshirt and head downstairs.
WARD
When the lightning flashes again, I sit upright on the couch. I have the fire burning, so it’s warm and cosy. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight, so I didn’t bother going up to my room to go to bed. I knew sleep would be impossible on a night like this.
I wait it out in the study, but I have the blinds up so I can see the lightning when it comes. I’ve always needed to face my fears, and tonight is just another test of my fear.
I’ve tried to read through my work. It’s almost there. I’m at the last hurdle, I have an ending in mind but the ending I started with is not the ending I want. It doesn’t fit quite right.
The door opens, the sound of it startles me, making me turn. I’m on edge as it is. Mari is in the doorway holding a cup.
“The light was on,” she says. “I thought you might have left it on by mistake.” She hovers in the doorway, uncertain and unsure. What happened between us makes things difficult. I don’t know how to face her or be around her.
I can’t trust myself.
And for that reason I have stayed away from her as much as I can. But she’s here now and I don’t want her to leave. “I can’t sleep,” I tell her. The sight of her on a night like this is comforting and very much welcome.
“You’re working.” It’s neither a question, nor a statement. She seems hesitant to move. I want her to come in, come closer, but I’m scared she’ll walk away and leave if I suggest such a thing.
There is a push pull in all our interactions and this is the reason I’ve hit a wall on my ending. It’s not just that the plot point stinks, it’s that the library of images and emotions and feelings that Mari evokes in me are getting in the way of my creativity. It leaves me unable to finish my story properly.
“Come in,” I say, finally, to plug the awkward silence. What better way is there to spend this gloomy night than with Mari?
Chapter 25
MARI
“Are you sure? I don’t want to disturb you.”
“You’re not disturbing me.”
I can’t help noticing that Ward looks so sad in the dimly lit room. A reading lamp is switched on beside the couch, lending a warm glow. Elsewhere in the study, a few other amber colored lamps are switched on. Ward usually only ever turns two lamps on. Tonight most of them are. There’s something else that’s unusual. The blinds are up. This is odd. Very odd. He never has his blinds up. Ever. This is the first time. He must like watching the rain as much as I do.
I walk in, still holding my cup of untouched hot chocolate. I’m tempted to ask him if he would like some, but he seems deep in his manuscript, with the papers balanced on his lap.
“You have your blinds up?” I ask.
“I like watching the rain fall.”
We have something in common. “You too?”
He looks at me, his brow creasing.
“I