he wants to say something but Jamie interrupts the quiet as he stomps back through the room. He’s carrying his business suits. He’s got a few interviews lined up this week, which is more than I can say for myself. Without a word, he leaves, slamming the door behind him.
Ward’s gaze locks onto mine, and then he says something that I wasn’t expecting, not in a million years. “Lisa Dooley.”
The muscles in my stomach tighten. A ball forms, like days’ old stale porridge sinking to the base and making everything heavy.
“Lisa Dooley?” I repeat.
“You asked me about her,” he puts his hands in his pockets. “You made accusations, if I remember correctly.”
“I was told something.”
“I need to explain.”
I wonder why now, and what difference will it make? He starts to tell me, so I listen.
“I loved her, but our being together was a passionate, clusterfuck of disaster. She was good for me, in a bad way, and I was bad for her, in a good way.”
I want to ask him to elaborate, but he gives me a dismissive look and I can only surmise that it was to do with sex. I taunt myself with the unwelcome thought.
“Our being together didn’t work,” he says, moving on quickly. “not if I was being honest. I wanted to walk away. She wouldn’t let me. My first book was close to releasing. I had tons of pressure. I needed to prove to myself and to the world, that I could do this writing thing and make a living. I didn’t have time for her. We rowed, and I told her that I wished I’d never met her. She jumped off a building and died. I blamed myself. I always have.”
“But that’s not your fault.”
“She threatened to jump off a building. I told her to go ahead. And she did. She killed herself. How is that not my fault?”
“You were being flippant.”
“I should have known better. I should have gone easy on her. She wasn’t well, and while I didn’t know the extent of her problems until later, there were plenty of times when I suspected something was wrong. I was so preoccupied in my writing that she came second. But the more she clung to me, the more I grew angry. We argued all the time, until eventually, even she could see there was no point in trying to pretend we were happy together. I thought that would be the end of it. But a few months later she called and told me she loved me, and that she couldn’t live without me and she made the threat.”
“Obviously you didn’t believe she would do that, something so crazy.” I need him to see that this wasn’t his fault.
“But I told her to go ahead. I loved her, and yet that’s what I said to her.”
“Ward!” I shake my head. I can see what it has done to him, the weight of this blame, along with everything else that he has carried throughout his life. It has broken him beyond repair. I can’t see this man disintegrate before my eyes. I won’t allow it. I take a step towards him, but he steps back, as if he needs the distance between us.
“And then what happened?” I ask, staying put where I am.
“I couldn’t function. I couldn’t promote the book or start writing the sequel. I couldn’t write a word. I was a mess. I moped around, not showering, not getting out of bed, just eating myself silly and watching TV. But I wasn’t watching it, I needed the noise and the pictures in front of me, but I didn’t watch a thing. I didn’t do a thing. If you think I was a state when you first started to work for me, it was nothing compared to the mess I was then. That’s when Rob came onto the scene. He’s seen me at the lowest of my lows.”
He's gone from telling me nothing, to all of this, and it’s almost too much to take in. Like being waterboarded. I can’t even speak.
“I didn’t kill her, Mari. I’m no murderer.”
I finally find my voice, even though it’s a whisper. “But Jamie said …”
“He said what?”
“That she died in mysterious circumstances.” I don’t tell him that Jamie said Ward killed her.
“People can have all kinds of opinions about the way in which Lisa died. I’ve tried to protect her family, and I’ve tried to block everything online about it. It wasn’t fair to her loved ones,