cleaned up in the sink. I’ll try to eat some more. Just please don’t leave me alone. Please, Ivan. Please.” Her words just add to the growing pain in my chest. The way my name falls from her lips makes it a million times worse. She reminds me of all the good I could do for her, that beneath everything, I am human, and I am capable of caring. That scares the fuck out of me, because caring for her will only mean one thing... and that would get us both killed. In my line of work there is no room for others. If my boss were to discover I cared for anyone…well let’s just say it wouldn’t end well.
Already having made my choice, I look down at her. “Get up.”
She looks up at me, confusion marring her delicate features, and she gets up anyway. Her small arms push her up to stand on shaky legs.
“You’re going to come with me to take a shower and then I’m going to bring you back down here… You will not run. You will not scream. Do you understand?”
She nods her head furiously, and her eyes light up just a little. I grab her by the arm and start guiding her outside the cell. Her steps are small and hesitant. At first, I think she is afraid, but after watching her for a few moments, I see her face contort in pain, and I quickly realize that she is far too weak to be walking.
“I’m going to carry you.” I slide my arms underneath her. She lets out as small gasp as I pick her up but doesn’t complain. I walk out into the hallway, and she leans her head against my shoulder.
“Close your eyes,” I whisper as we walk. I don’t need her to be looking around here. I’m already taking a huge fucking risk letting her out of her cell. She doesn’t need to see anybody or anything around here. Looking down at her, I see she has followed my command and turned her face into my chest just like the last time I carried her.
I carry her all the way up to the third floor, where some of us have small apartments. I briefly set her down on her feet so I can grab my keys from my pocket and unlock the door. I twist the knob, opening the door. I gesture for her to walk in and she does, her eyes wide, her legs shaking as if she is unsure of what will happen next.
“You live here?” she asks, her eyes moving over the contents of the apartment. The place isn’t much, just a one bedroom with a small kitchen and living room. It’s only me living here, and I don’t need all that much. She takes a few more steps, her fingers gliding over the back of my leather couch. I wonder what she’s thinking? Will she try and run away from me? Will she take my kindness for weakness?
“Yes, at least for right now.” I pocket my keys and close the door behind us, locking the deadbolt into place. I don’t think she is in any shape to run off, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
She turns to face me, and I can see she is nervous about being here. She is wringing her hands in front of her, swallowing repeatedly. The look in her eyes reminds me of a scared animal. I want to tell her she’s safe with me, that no one will ever hurt her again, but then I’d be lying. Anyone could hurt her, including myself.
“Come on.” I reach out and offer her my hand. She looks down at it for a moment, as if she’s worried that taking it will harm her in some way. Then, as if she’s made up her mind, she takes it.
I lead her into the bathroom, leaving her standing in front of the shower while I grab some towels. When I turn back around, I see her swaying and leaning against the wall for support.
She is so fucking weak, she can’t even stand up for five minutes on her own. Damnit, this is my fucking fault. All mine.
How the fuck is she going to take a shower?
She’s going to end up slipping and falling, probably breaking her damn neck in the process. I walk over to her and grab the hem of her shirt to pull it up and off her, but she stops me,