top of a high cabinet.
STEP 2: BE SURE YOUR PARENTS’ LEGAL PAPERWORK IS IN ORDER
Several legal documents allow parents to express their wishes about important matters ahead of time. These documents can eliminate confusion and prevent a lot of turmoil among family members after mom and dad are gone.
Hopefully, your parents took these steps—on their own or, more likely, with the help of an attorney—long before they needed some type of assisted living. If they did, it’s a good idea for at least one family member to know where these documents are and what they specify.
If they haven’t created legally valid versions of the following documents (and rechecked them recently to ensure they’re still accurate), I recommend that you and they consult an experienced attorney to look into doing so now.
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“White Lies” for the Right Reasons Can Have a Place in Downsizing
Okay, I know I say that openness, honesty, and transparency are crucial during downsizing. But sometimes it’s appropriate to not tell the entire truth.
For example, your mother demands that you take Aunt Annie’s umbrella stand, but you have absolutely no use—or space—for it. You have let your mother know this, but she keeps pushing it on you.
You’re not obligated to take or keep any item. If a loved one is trying to guilt you into taking an object, that’s even more of a reason not to accept it. In this case, it’s appropriate to say, “Why, yes, I’d love to take that thing, after all,” without mentioning, “I’d love to take it to the Salvation Army, which is where I’m stopping on the way home.”
If your mother asks you if she will ever be able to move back home from long-term care, but you and her doctor just don’t think it’s possible, ideally you’ll be able to explain the situation honestly to her. But in some cases, such as when dementia is a factor, it may be okay to say, “Possibly! Let’s just keep an eye on things.”
Sometimes a white lie might be appropriate with your kids, too. As Lysa, a Facebook follower, shared with me: “We’re doing a big move, so we’re culling ruthlessly! We’ve been carting our daughter’s ballet costumes, trophies, books and assignments, and large boxes of her things, and as we’ve been downsizing, I’d text her and say, ‘Oh no, a mouse must have gotten in with your papers and school assignments.’ Her instant reply—since she lives in another state—was, ‘Get rid of them! Yuck, throw them out!!!’ I wish I’d thought of it years ago. I hope she doesn’t read this . . . there never was a mouse!”
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A will and/or a living trust. These specify how your parents want their property distributed after their death. Depending on their specific needs, they may want a will, a trust, or both. Each has unique characteristics, advantages, and disadvantages that an estate attorney can describe to you.
A living will. Among other things, this specifies what kind of medical treatment your parents want at the end of their lives. At some point, do you ask the doctors to step back and just keep your parent comfortable until the end? Or does your parent want every treatment the doctors can provide in order to stay alive as long as possible? This document lets your parents decide . . . so you don’t have to.
Durable power of attorney. This allows a trusted adult—perhaps you or one of your siblings—to step in and make decisions on behalf of your parents if they become incapacitated. It’s possible to give one person the power to handle different types of health-care and financial decisions. Or your parent can give one person power of attorney for health-care matters and someone else power of attorney for money-related issues.
STEP 3: CONSIDER DISTRIBUTING SOME ITEMS IN ADVANCE
If your parents want to give particular items to family members while they’re alive, now may be a good time to do so. (Discuss any handovers with your parents’ estate attorney to make sure that they don’t lead to any surprise legal or financial consequences.)
Or you may want to work with your siblings now (or others who will inherit from your parents) to start calling dibs on particular items that aren’t covered in the will or trust. With your parents’ permission, use family holiday dinners and other gatherings to start claiming items in advance. If everyone is in agreement, perhaps the person claiming an object can put a little sticker on it (like on the back of