under their own steam, you’ll find plenty of material in this chapter that will apply to your situation, but your parents will have much more say in directing the process.
Depending on their needs, your parents may be downsizing their possessions and letting their home go now, perhaps to free up money for their care or to reduce expenses on mortgage, rent, or utilities on an empty house. Or they may decide to keep the home for now. Perhaps someone is still living there, or they hope to return home from their residential arrangement someday.
Either way, you’ll need to sort through your parents’ belongings to some degree—if not their entire home, then just to pick out some possessions that create a sense of home in their new living space.
STEP 1: PROVIDE A FAMILIAR ATMOSPHERE FOR A PARENT’S NEW HOME
Moving to long-term care is a monumental step for seniors and their families. Odds are good it will be your parents’ final home. Though it comes with benefits—like improved safety and security and less responsibility—the move also brings changes that can cause distress.
Mom and dad may feel like they’re losing independence, their lives are shrinking dramatically, or their mental or physical health is declining. In addition to the sadness or even grief over this move, they may be anxious about the cost of their care.
For families, the move often triggers a huge amount of guilt. Adult children may feel that they’re abandoning the people who spent a lifetime nurturing and caring for them. Also, your parents may be yielding some degree of decision-making power to you, but you aren’t yet comfortable with your new role.
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Real-World Downsizing Discovery
Terri says: When my mother passed away, she left a beautiful home filled with lovely furniture, art, and collectibles. She also had china and glassware from my grandmother. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with all of it, since I had my own home filled with my own furniture and personal pieces. The loss of my mom was hard enough, but I didn’t want to disrespect her memory.
My aunt told me something that helped me through it, and I have shared it with everyone I know who has gone through the same situation: “These things served the purpose of making your mom happy. She loved them. Their purpose is not to make you happy. Their purpose is done.” I can’t tell you how that one conversation changed my life!
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If your parent is moving into one of your homes, the sibling who is becoming the main caregiver will have major new responsibilities. None of this is easy, and emotions often run high.
However, moving a parent to assisted living can bear several gifts for you. For one thing, it provides a simple, lower-pressure way to introduce your family to the downsizing process. Also, though you don’t have to love the changes that are happening to your parent, learning to view them as a natural part of everyone’s journey can help to lessen your pain. Applying this new point of view to your own aging process may help you accept it more easily in coming years.
A third gift is this: As you move your parent, along with his or her most important possessions, you’ll see how your fellow participants handle the tasks involved in the move. You’ll also start practicing how to work together before your bigger parent-related downsizing project—following the death of your parent—down the road.
Keep the following steps in mind to help a parent create an environment that’s comforting and familiar.
Provide as much decision-making power as possible. Big changes in our lives often feel scary. But the degree of control we have over them can work like a volume knob to turn down our fear.
Be sure that your parent provides as much input as possible on the furnishings, decorations, personal treasures, and other items that will outfit the new living space. If mom or dad cannot communicate due to dementia or other health problems, you’ll have to use your best judgment to make these decisions.
A note here: Your parents may resist the idea of bringing objects from home. Resistance usually signals something deeper going on, so dig down to find the real source of distress. It may be that dad doesn’t like the idea of needing long-term care, and he’s telling himself that he’ll return home someday, so there’s no reason to move his stuff. Be patient and follow his lead.
Consider the size of the apartment or room. Moving to a